Day 2

Day 2 no nicotene. This really sucks. The patch seems to help with the cravings and attitude but it sticks to my lip and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Haha. Have not started any crap with anyone like the last time I quit. This time though it is finally for good. No more just one smoke or just one pinch. I am through. I don't like to way I look or smell while doing this and food is already begin to taste different. This time is the right time. If I can quit here then I can quit for good.

Reflections

As I see the moon reflect on the water.
I too reflect, yet my reflections are from memory.
I reflect on the love that I have for her. So far away,
I see as the moon shimmers on the water, the brown in her eyes
soft yet strong. In them I see an undying love for me I sometimes
find it hard to believe that she could possible love me as much as I
love her. It just seems impossible. As my eyes adjust to the Darkness my
memories become that much clearer. I am there with her and she is in my arms. Thinking laughing and enjoying the moment all too aware that the moment will end
as quickly as it began. I see her smile, her long black hair and the smell of that familiar perfume in the night air. Missing her, being alone is a circle closing in on me. The blackness comes and goes. It seems to open up when we talk and close in on me until we talk again. As a fish hits the top of the water in the black of night, I watch the ripples carry across the moon as the feeling of alone returns.

Cold Front

Tomorrow we have a cold front rolling through. I decided I should get out my long underwear and my cold weather boots. I have been looking for a while trying to find my beanie hat. I can only hope the difference in temperature does not cause me to get a cold as I do almost every year. I really hate to have to wear all of that cold weather gear. I will probably take the truck tomorrow to chow as I do not want to spend too much time out in the cool air on my bike. Todays temperature was marked at 120 degrees with the thermometers on the base reading upwards of 125. How is it possible for such a change in just a night. I guess that is the desert for you. The news just announced a cold front and that tomorrows temp will be 118. Ha ha got cha.
Cold front heck I am just happy with shade but a cold front would be awesome.... Thank God that we have Air conditioners. Wish I could just stay inside, but then I would not get to enjoy the "Cold Front".

Just some amusement as nothing spectacular has happen in a while.

Withdrawls

As I sit here hands trembling, face pale and body twitching and not able to calm it. I wonder why would I ever do something that would make me feel this way. It was 1988 and I thought I looked cool with a Cigarette in my mouth. These thoughts were replaced by need and then by addiction. I have off and on smoked or dipped for some 17 years now. More than half of my life. Today is the final day. As I sit here head going 900 miles a minute hands twitching so bad that this would be un-intellegable if not for the backspace button and spell check. I QUIT. The ulcers on both sides of my mouth a reminder that what I have been doing to my body is unhealthy and wrong. I have been abusing the temple that God made for me. I QUIT. I sit and read the instructions for the patch and it says that not everyone quits using this system. The 21 mG of Nicotene that are released slowly over a 24 hour period will not give me the same nicotene that is in one Dip of Copenhagen. THis time it will not matter because I quit. This will be the last time I speak of this habit.

ROA Rules of Assistance?

Yesterday my friend the Medic received a call. I am not sure as to where the call came from but it was about some Iraqi children who were injured. My understanding of the incident is that the two children where burned by a pot of boiling water. My friend and another medic went to their aid. They bandaged the burns of these two rather distraunt children. After getting them bandaged he loaded the children up and took them to a Military Hospital. How can this careing guesture be wrong. What happened today was unacceptable. He had to explain why he chose to help these children. "We did not hurt them so why did we help them". Are these children not people. I think of the ramifications of this. If we did not render aid would we have made another enemy here in a country that we are trying to help? Why would it be wrong to help someone in need? I guess this is another case of a caring soldier doing what he thinks is right. I support his decision even if the upper chain does not. He put himself in harms way on the outside of the wall to help injured children. This is worthy of a hero status not a questionable status. God heal these children and heal this country. Let them stand on their own and fight for the freedoms that all Man-kind deserves.

Sounds of Silence

"Hello Darkness my old friend I have come to fear you once again". These are my lyrics to the Simon and Garfunkel song. It seems that nighttime is the time of noises. This afford the bad guys the opportunity to get away. Just by the type of noise heard we know what type of weapon it was and which side it came from. The most deadly of these noises sounds like WaaaWooom. This is the noise of an IED or VBIED. These usually make the hair on the bad of your neck stand up knowing that there are very few of these that completely miss. The whistle followed by an explosion is one to bring fear of soldiers dieing. This is a rocket. Launched out of a neighborhood close by but just out of sight of the tower guards. The rocket streaks through the sky until it impacts its target. This one has taken several lives since we have been here. Last but not least is the cheapest and most frequent the mortar. The mortar makes noise when it leaves the tube and then does not give much warning until it impacts. Most of these however seem to be duds and fall harmlessly to the earth. Problem is you do not know whether it is a dud or not until it hits the ground. This unknown re-trains you at how to go from a standing postition to a position flat on the ground. These just some of the things that our "Neighbors throw over the fence at night". I am glad that they cannot aim.

Old man Running

This morning we had another Physical Training Test. Since my first days in the Military I have set high goals for myself in this area. I have always tried to pass this test at the 19 year old age group.(1988 standards) That means 42 pushups and 52 situps in two minutes and a 2 mile runtime of less than 1554. THis morning I felt age holding me down for the pushups and situps. Another goal that I had set for myself was to not quit until time was called. This is becoming tougher and tougher. As I heard the count on the situps I came to realize that my goal would not be achieved, a combination of no PT for my three weeks that I was home and the authentic enchiladas that I gorged myself on while home, I pulled more with my hands that with the stomach muscles targeted during situps. THis is when I felt it. A sharp pain from the back of my neck down my left side behind my shoulder blade. I managed 47 which at my age is passing but not my standard. Thankfully I had already done the pushups and only had the run to worry about. The pain seemed to subside a bit so I felt good to go. "Ready, set, go," My first 200 yards or so I set off in a dead sprint as I always do. This seems to improve my pace as well as my runtime. I noticed that I had a Lieutenant on my tail and I thought that there is no way I will let him outrun me. At the one mile turn around I noted that he seemed to be gaining on me so I stepped it out a little. Crossing the line at 1556 ahead of the LT or course. I circled and set out to pace my soldier. I noticed at the turn around that she had chosen to run with some one who does not usually do well on the test and something told me that she needed a quicker pace. I was right because when we crossed the line she was 9 seconds from passing. After walking it off a bit I got on my bike and rode home thinking only of more coffee and oatmeal(I love oatmeal). Sitting on the couch in front of the TV I felt the pain begin again. It was not long before holding my head up seemed to be a chore. I decided to go on Sick call and see if they had something to help. Tonight I will take a Muscle relaxer if the pain does not subside. The medic told me that it would make me "Loopy" and that I should wait till bedtime to take it. On my way back I begin to think that if I take this and am completly out of it and someone comes over the wall what would I do. My Mind quickly took me to an Andy Griffith episode when Barney shot himself in the foot. That would be very funny years later but not too funny right now. I guess that my old military body is starting to complain. Hopefully I will not need this pill as I do not take pills of any kind except my vitamins and an occasional aspirin when needed. Only time will tell.

No Sir, Thank You!!!

A Chief Warrant Officer, US Army Intelligence [retired] wrote this. He said that he had read much of my blog with interest, compassion, and understanding and in his case with far too many reminders of his experiences in Vietnam [1970-1971]. This is a quote from him "Your Mom asked about our [my] feelings with your serving in Iraq so honorably for our great country. You are to me a fellow comrade-in-arms, such camaraderie rather difficult for me to try to explain to your Mom. Just know your kin are so proud of you Jay! Thank you for your service! I am looking forward to someday meeting you and your family personally. May God take care of you!”

As I sat and read his message a tear began to form. You see I know what our country did to my "comrades-in-arms" upon their return from this particular war. It should be me telling him that I appreciate his service to OUR country. There is an unexplainable bond between all soldiers or former soldiers. Though many things change in the different generations of soldiers some things remain set in stone. The bond between soldiers is not soon forgotten and in many cases is Never forgotten. This bond is passed from generation to generation without being taught or explained. Sometimes the services seem to have a type of competition between them. You know which service is the best and that kind of thing. For example while on active duty we used to make fun of the long haired overweight National Guardsman but here we are all soldiers. Now being a Guard soldier I understand the differences. The British, the Australians we are all the same here to accomplish one job and will be till it is over. Here it is not who is the best but a combined force of soldiers focused and determined to get it done..

What I really wanted to say by all of this is "Sir don't thank me for what I do, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow up a free country without fear. Thank you for your service to OUR great nation. I salute YOU, and all other Veterans of the Military for without you I could not be Me.

Best Two Weeks of my Life

I received another news paper article from my parents today. My Parents take an article a week from the blog and send it to the news paper in their home town. Todays article made me think about a decision that I made not to put anything about home on the site. I had decided that this was my time but now I am thinking back and think it would be something nice for me to reflect on from time to time.

This was by far the best two weeks of my life. I remember arriving at the gate in Abilene. The excitement made my heart beat so hard that I was afraid that the rest of the people on the plane would hear it. My excitement was almost uncontainable and was definitely uncontrolable. I thanked the flight attendant and the captain and rushed off the plane. I remember seeing my sons first and my smile was so big that it hurt. Then my wife more beautiful than ever. She has been working out and had lost some weight. The hug was a long one that I could have held forever. My parents were there and the greetings were just awesome. I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. In all of the excitement I still remembered to wish my wife a happy birthday.

During my visit home I prayed daily that time would stand still. I did not want the days to end. The first night I fell asleep quite early. I did not want to sleep at all while at home but the three day journey took its toll on me. The first week we did nothing. We stayed together every waking moment in hopes to make up for some of the time lost. Russ graduated from high school the First Friday I was home. This was awesome. I made a promise to him that I would be there for his great achievement before I left knowing that it would not be an easy promise to keep. God was looking out for me and helped make this promise to be kept. After his graduation we went to the water park down by San Antonio. This has been an almost yearly ritual of ours for quite sometime. It was awesome. I came to realize that Todd was growing up. He had been too afraid to ride any of the rides the last time we went but this time he had no fear. We rode almost every ride there. We had to be told to leave as the park closed. During my time in country I had spent little to no money so we I arrived home I went on a spending spree that is not like me. It was well worth the time. Todds birthday was the day before I had to leave so I bought him a bicycle and taught him to ride it. As the days passed for me in Iraq I came to realize that I had not been there for him and spent lots of time with him showing him that I am his father and that I love him. I know he knew this but it seemed as if I did not feel it.
Well that is it in a nutshell. The time at home thankfully did drag by the first week felt like a month. The second week seemed to pass alot quicker but still we managed to celebrate the time together. Upon my return I was asked if there was one thing that people said when I was home that I did not want to hear what was it. I was quick to respond that so many people had asked "when do you leave?" This was something that I did not want to think about and tried to forget that I did have to leave. God watched over my trip home and made it happen on the dates that I wanted to be there. How many other people could say that they were home for two birthdays a graduation and a holiday. I am blessed.

Hodgie wearing Haynes

Well one thing that was nice here was laundry service. You can just put all of your stuff in a bag and turn it in to be washed. It is nice especially in these times with the water shortages. It is our option to inventory all items and list each item or just turn it in bulk. I have always chosen the bulk route as I HAD no reason to not trust these people. I started to notice several weeks back that I was low on my white running socks. I did not bring all the same kind. I brought some mid calf and some ankle socks. Now it seems that I am down to one pair of ankle socks and still have my mid calf socks. I think the folks doing our laundry have taken a liking to my Haynes socks. I as well liked my socks. Now I be there are 7 or 8 hodgies walking around with my socks on. I am quite sure they needed them more than I did but I would have gladly donated or even bought some to give to them so I would know that they would be taken care of without shorting me. Guess I will make my way to the PX and buy some more running socks. I wonder what else they have taken from me through the months I have spent here. Maybe I should start a clothing drive or something.

Sacrifice

As I sit here in the dark I wonder what I would know about sacrifice if I had not joined the military. Would I be one of the numerous people living in a free country protesting the war? Would I take my freedoms for granted as so many people do today? It seems that there are more people protesting in the northern states than in the southern states. Why is that do you suppose? I try to think of the sacrifices that these people could have possible made and cannot come up with any good ones. Sacrifice, giving up something without the desire to do so but in an effort to make something better. My definition. Is this definition defined by my life in the military or my upbringing and life experience? I can only remember a few sacrifices in my life prior to the military. My dad traveled quite a bit and this was a big sacrifice. I think his sacrifice fits my definition. Is this the only major sacrifice I would ever experience had I not enlisted? Now in 11th month of this deployment and our 6 month of being here I know that this sacrifice is one worthy of all that it entails. I have come to the conclusion that this is my life and will be for another 12 years till my retirement. I can handle all that is thrown at me because it has been tough here and if this can be handled then anything can. I sit and wait for the lights to come back on under a water shortage that is still in effect and think what it must be like on the other side of the wall. I am glad that I did not grow up here and that my kids will grow up in a free land governed by someone that WE the people put in office. In the past some bad people have been chosen to some of these offices but today I think that we as a country do a better job selecting who will run our country. Finally lights and back to work.

A gray point of light

Today is indepencence day. The day celebrated by Americans around the world. Red white and blue but today the world is gray. Visibility is about 100 yards then a thick haze limits anything beyond this. The mess hall was decorated in its usual holiday decor. It seems that everyone is enjoying the day except me. It seems that I have slipped back into a deep dark depression this time. With all of the things going on at home it is very hard to concentrate about this place. With all of the things going on here it is hard to think of home. Russ is going to have his stomach scopped on Tuesday to find out why he cannot eat right. The in-laws are sick. My wife is always down and feeling bad when I call. I make my calls upbeat so that it is not known what I am feeling so as not to bring her down to feel as I do. It seems that the "natives" have become restless again. The briliant fireworks of death are starting up again. And for the first time in a while my dreams have once again shifted to death in this country. I know that we are here doing the right thing and I will not shune those duties. It just seems to be like eyes wide open and then they slowly close as things close in around me and now I feel as if I can only see a pinpoint of light through my open eyes. The gray is closing in again and my fears are becoming constant once again. Depression sucks. I used to think it was just a state of mind and that you could just snap out of it. I am sitting here snapping away and nothing is changing. The feelings of hopelessness are multiplied by the day counters. The day counters annouce how many days or months are left on a constant basis making the days drag by slower and slower. Lord Give me strength and get me out of here soon, Make the days pass as there is nothing here that I care to remember when I return. Keep us safe and protect us. Amen

Supply Assistance

Today I spent the entire day teaching the system of supply that I have used for two years to another supply sgt. Upon arrival I checked out his accounting set-up or lack there of. There was paperwork everywhere in this book and that book and copies of everything made in triplicate and then a couple thrown in for good measure. The Supply SGT who handles this is on leave so I was asked to assist by the SGT who is taking care of business while he is away. I could see a little bit of effort that he had put forth to make things right but he just needed a push in the right direction. I have worked and refined my program for two years and I know that if I, like he were, were to have started the month prior to the begining of this adventure I would have looked a far site worse. Some people get dumped into jobs that they have no business doing and yet others just lack the know how to get this done on their own. I do not care for this person but I do not want to see anyone fail so I have volunteered to give of my time to help get things taken care of. It will take some time but I think we together can get him out of this hole.

For Cindy

I received an email a few short minutes ago asking if I was okay. This email was signed by my "concerned second cousin". Well I am okay and sent an email to that affect. I figured I had better not let two days pass without writing something. Nothing really to say other than the feeling of jealousy that I have had since early this morning. It seems that a friend of mine is headed home and he will get to see his family as I have seen mine. What makes me jealous is that he will also see my wife there as well. We attend the same church and he is active in the church. We are two very different people but very much the same in some aspects. We both expect the best out of ourselves and our people. I don't want to say too much as he too reads my site and don't want him to get big headed or anything. haha

Gone in Sixty Seconds/Found in 48 hours

Day before yesterday I go the call. A truck had been stolen. It was of course parked and left unlocked. We know that there is no way that this vehicle could leave the immediate area yet some one had been brave enough to take it from the unit. After the first day missing I began to question whether it would ever be seen again. It seems that the norm in the past was for a soldier to move the vehicle out of sight to teach a lesson but after several hours the soldier would find it or someone would clue him in on what happened to it. Not this time it was gone. Tapes of gate cameras were reviewed and the confirmation that it was stolen made its way back to me. I began my research and prepare for the good bit of paperwork involved in processing a loss of this magnitude. THe total cost was some 37 thousand dollars. The driver of the vehicle could be held accountable for this because it was unlocked.

This morning I went on a supply run. IT was not a scheduled run but I had some paperwork to re-submit at the supply point.(they Lost the originals) As we prepared to leave I told the driver to go straight ahead. I want to check vehicles to see if perhaps I could have any luck turning it up. We checked several on either side of the road but to no avail. As we approached the end of the road and the stop sign I saw it. My first thought was that no doubt that was "My" truck. It was sitting in a parking lot (dirt lot) all by itself. It just looked out of place. As we approached it my wishes came true this was it. I had found the missing truck and hopefully lifted the "bruise" inflicted on the unit by a careless soldier, not to mention saved myself an ocean of paperwork. Today was a good day. Thank you Jesus.

Rambling

Not much to talk about today. It seems that with all of the emails that I recieve on a daily basis that I just don't have too much to talk about. Today was the same as yesterday and so on. Time has stopped fleeting by like it did during the first months. Home is slipping back into the background because I know that dwelling on it will do no good. I have talked about family God and country. I have put my feeling down as good as I could to describe the endless thoughts and fears of being here. Now I just do my job, do nothing when time allows and sleep if possible. Started back on my Physical Training Program again. Got a late start but better late than never. Now as I sit here my old knees are killing me. Not so much that I am old but these knees have been around the world. Running is something I enjoy but only when I do it all the time. At home I ran two or three times a week but here if you don't get up with the sun then it is too hot. Well I think I will call this blog rambling because I think that is what I have done. Tonight (dominos) 42 night. There are only two nights of the week I look forward to Friday dominos and Sunday Nascar. Well I will not be writing for a while till I have something to write about. Please add my in-laws to all prayer lists.

Song

Today's Supply run was uneventful however I did as I drove back put together a song/poem. I am sure the other soldiers thought I was out of my mind as I sang in the truck on the way back. Also might mention that I went by myself so as not to damage the ears of my clerk.(singing not a strong suit of mine). The following is what I wrote. It is not intended to make you cry but as I re-read it I got a little teary eyed myself. Hope you enjoy....

Never Alone
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is that I’m not alone

When I left, I left my family a cryin,
As I walked away they were standin’ all alone
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ and cryin’
Wonder what it’ll be like if I make it home.

What we do here is keep the masses from diein’
In hopes someday they will stand on their own
I’m sure they have thought about diein’
As they stay locked up in their homes.

Today I had to go out on a mission
The thoughts and fears finally come to rest
I saw the bright flash beside me
And felt the metal cut deeply in my chest

I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is I’m not alone

In the empty darkness a beautiful light forms
He says son I know you’ve done your best
The Lord himself was a cryin’
As He took that soldier to his final rest.

In the soldiers last minutes his face seemed to change
His sad face changed to a smile
Because the Lord had called his name
He seemed to have known it for a while.

And the Lord said.
I know you spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I know that I have put you to the test
You have passed it son come live with me
And we will try to pass the rest.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is I’m not alone

Pipe is half empty

Water water everywhere but not a drop to use.
"To all residents of standing hard buildings water rationing will be a necessity over the next several weeks" is what the email said. Apparently the “bad guys” blew up the water plant last night. This is not the first time this has happened but it is the first since we have been here. Now in order to shower we must go up to the trailers. This is about a ¾ mile trip to shower. The entire post is run on a series of pumps and pipelines that all come from this plant, I guess. Now we have to use the porta-johns. These things are like microwaves in the middle of the day and they are not all that fresh(trying not to give you the whole nasty picture). Just not a pleasant place to visit. All the water in all of the ponds came from the city water supply. Seems like they could find a way to filter it and use it but then this beautiful country would not be as beautiful.(hint: that was sarcasm)I heard tale that after these man made lakes were made that the water supply to the city was turned off to fill them. How can these people live here like that? Is the only reason they are still here because of poverty or are all of the people just that loyal to this country? I wonder if tickets to other countries were handed out how many of these people would leave. I venture a guess and say that this place would turn into a desert oh wait it already is.

EMMA

Have you ever waited so long to say something that you were afraid that it was too late. I have done this. With all that goes on here I have forgotten to call and congratulate Perry and Sheri on the new addition to their family. Emma Christine born on the day I left. She weighed in at just over 8 lbs. They have done it. Finally a little girl. Congratulations and best wishes. New life is such a beautiful gift. I cannot wait to get home to see her. I love ya'll Jay

Pain

Today as I walked back to where I had left my bike I ran into a friend from another company. I really do not know him all that well but we had an occasion had to opportunity to talk. Today his face seemed sad through his fake smile. As we walked and talked he told me that he was soon to return home on leave. He then smiled, half-heartedly, and said when I get there I am getting a divorce. He said that he was okay with everything until she moved in with another man. How could this be happening to soldiers so far from home. I know that he had sat up at night and pondered what he should do. I seem to have this knack for spotting pain and usually through casual subtile comversation manage in my own way to help. I asked him how long he had been married. He told about a year now. This means that he married shortly before this "adventure" began and now, well now what. Hopefully God will reach down and touch him and sooth the aching in his heart. As we said our good-byes and I rode away I thanked God for my family. Please include this soldier in your prayers.