Just Sad

Pain in life is brought about by many things but one of the most severe cases of pain is brought about by change. Ever known someone and acted differently in front of them for whatever reason. Reasons could range from fear or confrontation to just wanted to be some one else. Then you realize that the acting is not right as it does not allow for people to react to the true person. Well that has happened to me. I have always tried to be the supportive and understanding person. Driving miles and miles to help people in their time of need. Not asking for anything in return. In the event of confrontation just letting it go or acting as if it was not seen. I have examined my life and have found that I do not stand up for myself or my family. I am a grown Mature man and realize that what I have done is wrong. I have acted as someone else for so long that I am not sure who I am. I do know that right and wrong is ever apparent in all walks of life it is just some choose not to see it or to see it and act anyway. God is in my life. Maybe not as completely as I would choose but he is gaining strength. I feel a sense of loss as the people who I am trying to explain this to have told me things that just do not seem real or fair. I am immature. I married at age 19. I have been a father since. People tell me that I am a good father. I have even been told by some of Russ’ kin folks that I have done a wonderful job with him. I can only hope that he has not learned the fake faces and will not distance himself from family to avoid confrontation. I love my family and hoped that they could understand the soul searching that I have been doing here. I can only hope when the smoke clears and the attitudes return to normal that we can be completely honest with each other not matter the pain involved. I have missed family and want the feelings of uneasiness to subside before I return home. Don’t know that it will, but I can always Pray.