Good Day Family and Friends:

From my friend, John P -

As Christmas is approaching, people have begun to ask, “What can we send you and your fellow soldiers that will bring a little joy in to your lives?”  I certainly appreciate your desire to bless the lives of our soldiers.   So here is the quick down and dirty on Packages:

Hint #1 - There are no wrong answers (just some more logical than others)

Hint #2 - Remember that chocolate and 120 degree temperature do not work well together.

Hint #3 - Travel size bath products are cute but don’t last long.

Hint #4 - If you DO NOT want it, there is a good chance the soldier will not either.

Hint #5 - If you DO want it, there is a good chance a soldier will like it also.

Hint #6 - A soldier will eat the entire box, bag, container, or package in one sitting.  And no, it doesn’t matter what it is.  With this said, single servings are better than bulk purchase.

I well remember a package I received while I was in Iraq on my last deployment; an entire case of the most wonderful Girl Scout Cookies.  How much do you really know about the ever delectable Girl Scout Shortbread Cookie?  Let me break it down for you…

On the label you will find enlightening data explaining that there are 4 cookies in each serving (Ha Ha).  This means that there are 11 servings in each box and at least 15 boxes in each case.  Doing the math, you will discover that someone blessed me with the gift of 21,450 calories and 990 Fat Grams.  Can you feel the love?  Well, if you can’t, I promise that with one hug around my waist and you would have certainly at least felt the love handles (reference Hint #6).  We calculated that it would only take me 53 hours to walk off those extra calories on a standard treadmill.  But, I am glad to report that we have found a secret in dealing with issues like these.  If the cookies are broken in shipment, it is a scientific fact that all of the calories leak out.  This was a wonderful revelation for Chief Warrant Officer JPB or Mr. B as I call him.

It was mail call last Thursday when I noticed that Mr. B was walking around just a bit on edge.  As the letters and packages were passed out he fidgeted around like a 5 year old at Grandma’s house on Christmas Eve.  Then it happened, they called his name.  I saw him close his eyes as if in prayer when he took the package and held it in his hands.  He slowly turned it over and let out a “WOO HOO” that shook the building.  The package was from Grandma and Christmas had indeed come early!

Like a surgeon, Mr. B cut loose the tape, being ever careful not to shake, bump or disturb the stability of the box.  With trembling hands he carefully pulled out the green aluminum container, removed the wrapping and discovered it was what he had been waiting for, Grandma’s homemade Peanut Butter Cookies… that had been smashed into 100,000 tiny pieces.  I’m not sure but I think I saw a tear in his eye as he sat at his desk frozen in shock.  Then, almost imperceptible at first, the corners of his mouth began to slowly turn upward.  A gleaming twinkle flashed from his eye as he spotted it; in the back corner, beneath the crumbs, a whole cookie.  No, there was not a single cookie, but as the crumbs were brushed away there were 2…3…4… no, 5 whole cookies.  He held up his treasure for all to see just like Mufasa holding up Simba in the Lion King.  There were whole cookie and they were all his!

It was later that evening, in honor of Grandma, that I gathered up the broken cookie pieces and placed them in a zip lock bag.  You must understand that we are trying to eat as healthy as possible during our deployment and we have reserved only Sunday night for ice cream.  As we sat at our table the next Sunday evening, our bowls contained a single scoop of vanilla ice cream.  I took out my zip lock and began to sprinkle Grandma’s homemade Peanut Butter Cookie Crumbs into each of our ice cream bowls and I explained the science behind the calorie leakage phenomena found in the broken cookie.  As we took part in this little pleasure, we thanked Grandma and the US Postal Service for a job well done.

With love handles and a sweet tooth,