For Cindy

I received an email a few short minutes ago asking if I was okay. This email was signed by my "concerned second cousin". Well I am okay and sent an email to that affect. I figured I had better not let two days pass without writing something. Nothing really to say other than the feeling of jealousy that I have had since early this morning. It seems that a friend of mine is headed home and he will get to see his family as I have seen mine. What makes me jealous is that he will also see my wife there as well. We attend the same church and he is active in the church. We are two very different people but very much the same in some aspects. We both expect the best out of ourselves and our people. I don't want to say too much as he too reads my site and don't want him to get big headed or anything. haha

Gone in Sixty Seconds/Found in 48 hours

Day before yesterday I go the call. A truck had been stolen. It was of course parked and left unlocked. We know that there is no way that this vehicle could leave the immediate area yet some one had been brave enough to take it from the unit. After the first day missing I began to question whether it would ever be seen again. It seems that the norm in the past was for a soldier to move the vehicle out of sight to teach a lesson but after several hours the soldier would find it or someone would clue him in on what happened to it. Not this time it was gone. Tapes of gate cameras were reviewed and the confirmation that it was stolen made its way back to me. I began my research and prepare for the good bit of paperwork involved in processing a loss of this magnitude. THe total cost was some 37 thousand dollars. The driver of the vehicle could be held accountable for this because it was unlocked.

This morning I went on a supply run. IT was not a scheduled run but I had some paperwork to re-submit at the supply point.(they Lost the originals) As we prepared to leave I told the driver to go straight ahead. I want to check vehicles to see if perhaps I could have any luck turning it up. We checked several on either side of the road but to no avail. As we approached the end of the road and the stop sign I saw it. My first thought was that no doubt that was "My" truck. It was sitting in a parking lot (dirt lot) all by itself. It just looked out of place. As we approached it my wishes came true this was it. I had found the missing truck and hopefully lifted the "bruise" inflicted on the unit by a careless soldier, not to mention saved myself an ocean of paperwork. Today was a good day. Thank you Jesus.

Rambling

Not much to talk about today. It seems that with all of the emails that I recieve on a daily basis that I just don't have too much to talk about. Today was the same as yesterday and so on. Time has stopped fleeting by like it did during the first months. Home is slipping back into the background because I know that dwelling on it will do no good. I have talked about family God and country. I have put my feeling down as good as I could to describe the endless thoughts and fears of being here. Now I just do my job, do nothing when time allows and sleep if possible. Started back on my Physical Training Program again. Got a late start but better late than never. Now as I sit here my old knees are killing me. Not so much that I am old but these knees have been around the world. Running is something I enjoy but only when I do it all the time. At home I ran two or three times a week but here if you don't get up with the sun then it is too hot. Well I think I will call this blog rambling because I think that is what I have done. Tonight (dominos) 42 night. There are only two nights of the week I look forward to Friday dominos and Sunday Nascar. Well I will not be writing for a while till I have something to write about. Please add my in-laws to all prayer lists.

Song

Today's Supply run was uneventful however I did as I drove back put together a song/poem. I am sure the other soldiers thought I was out of my mind as I sang in the truck on the way back. Also might mention that I went by myself so as not to damage the ears of my clerk.(singing not a strong suit of mine). The following is what I wrote. It is not intended to make you cry but as I re-read it I got a little teary eyed myself. Hope you enjoy....

Never Alone
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is that I’m not alone

When I left, I left my family a cryin,
As I walked away they were standin’ all alone
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ and cryin’
Wonder what it’ll be like if I make it home.

What we do here is keep the masses from diein’
In hopes someday they will stand on their own
I’m sure they have thought about diein’
As they stay locked up in their homes.

Today I had to go out on a mission
The thoughts and fears finally come to rest
I saw the bright flash beside me
And felt the metal cut deeply in my chest

I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is I’m not alone

In the empty darkness a beautiful light forms
He says son I know you’ve done your best
The Lord himself was a cryin’
As He took that soldier to his final rest.

In the soldiers last minutes his face seemed to change
His sad face changed to a smile
Because the Lord had called his name
He seemed to have known it for a while.

And the Lord said.
I know you spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I know that I have put you to the test
You have passed it son come live with me
And we will try to pass the rest.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is I’m not alone

Pipe is half empty

Water water everywhere but not a drop to use.
"To all residents of standing hard buildings water rationing will be a necessity over the next several weeks" is what the email said. Apparently the “bad guys” blew up the water plant last night. This is not the first time this has happened but it is the first since we have been here. Now in order to shower we must go up to the trailers. This is about a ¾ mile trip to shower. The entire post is run on a series of pumps and pipelines that all come from this plant, I guess. Now we have to use the porta-johns. These things are like microwaves in the middle of the day and they are not all that fresh(trying not to give you the whole nasty picture). Just not a pleasant place to visit. All the water in all of the ponds came from the city water supply. Seems like they could find a way to filter it and use it but then this beautiful country would not be as beautiful.(hint: that was sarcasm)I heard tale that after these man made lakes were made that the water supply to the city was turned off to fill them. How can these people live here like that? Is the only reason they are still here because of poverty or are all of the people just that loyal to this country? I wonder if tickets to other countries were handed out how many of these people would leave. I venture a guess and say that this place would turn into a desert oh wait it already is.

EMMA

Have you ever waited so long to say something that you were afraid that it was too late. I have done this. With all that goes on here I have forgotten to call and congratulate Perry and Sheri on the new addition to their family. Emma Christine born on the day I left. She weighed in at just over 8 lbs. They have done it. Finally a little girl. Congratulations and best wishes. New life is such a beautiful gift. I cannot wait to get home to see her. I love ya'll Jay

Pain

Today as I walked back to where I had left my bike I ran into a friend from another company. I really do not know him all that well but we had an occasion had to opportunity to talk. Today his face seemed sad through his fake smile. As we walked and talked he told me that he was soon to return home on leave. He then smiled, half-heartedly, and said when I get there I am getting a divorce. He said that he was okay with everything until she moved in with another man. How could this be happening to soldiers so far from home. I know that he had sat up at night and pondered what he should do. I seem to have this knack for spotting pain and usually through casual subtile comversation manage in my own way to help. I asked him how long he had been married. He told about a year now. This means that he married shortly before this "adventure" began and now, well now what. Hopefully God will reach down and touch him and sooth the aching in his heart. As we said our good-byes and I rode away I thanked God for my family. Please include this soldier in your prayers.

Sit up front

It seems that most people (me included at times) treat God as a back seat driver. He tells us which way to go and what turn will get us where we need to be. Instead of listening to him we find someway to drown him out, radio too loud or just the selective hearing that our society is famous for these days. It never seems to fail that when I get down and out I seem to put him to the back seat and ignore him. The last couple of Sundays I have not been to church. Always an excuse, it's a long drive or I am tired. Fact is we need to move God into the Drivers seat and let him guide us through life. Those occasional wrong turns would be impossible if God was driving our lives. It is just hard to let him handle everything. Let God Drive.

Father's Day 05

Today is Father's day. Just another Sunday. The only difference is that the chow hall served something different. Crab legs shrimp and steak. It was good but it just could not replace a bologna sandwich and home. I sent emails to my Father and my father-n-law wishing them a happy fathers day. Hoping that they will have a better day than mine could ever be. Not being down and I spent lots of time keeping my attitude in check and thinking positive. I don't want to have another sad lonely day as before. Father's Day 06 this will be a day to remember. I will be home God willing.

Half empty no it's frozen

I recieved an email today and it started me thinking about life. The email was from a relative in Austin whom I have never met. In the email she wrote of her neighbor. The following is an excerpt from this email.

He was moving away and leaving a very high-stress job. He had played a big role in his company's success. I said they must be so sorry to lose him and that they would have a very hard time filling his shoes. He said no, it's like pulling your finger out of a glass of water. There's a hole for only a nanosecond, and then it's like you were never there.

My responce to this email was not unlike my responce to life. We are only here for a little while. Unlike the analogy above I would like to think that I will have touched some one in this life that will leave a lasting mark. My adjustment to the analogy is as follows. I compare this to having my finger in a glass of water and freezing the water. It leaves a finger print. This is my fingerprint on society. It will eventually melt away but if I leave a mark it will last a while. Is this Blog my mark on soceity or will my mark be through my children. God creates all people different and in one way or another we all leave that frozen mark on society that in time melts away.

Hot enough to burn eggs on the sidewalk

Temperature is now 119 degrees. How do people stand it. It gets more and more difficult to ride my bike to lunch and dinner. The heat just takes a toll on you. Hot sweaty sticky. The air does not get cooler while riding the bike. Even on a hot Texas day you get some cooling breeze while riding. The temperature here does not change while cutting through the air. It seems that it gets hotter. The air is hot and thick and at times you almost have to work at getting a breath. It feels kind of like when you are sick with a fever and your breath is hot and burns as you breath. I wonder what it is like back home. Is it raining is it cool. The expectation is for the temperatures to reach 130 or 140 degrees. I think I might have to start working nights when this happens so I can get more done. HHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

Roommates

Well finally managed to shake off the feelings of desparation and sadness. It took about a week. Once I finally opened my eyes to see the world here instead of imagining that I was in the world there I started to notice that I had some new roommates. One of which was a Gecko. One afternoon I went to my room to grab my pillow off my bed and there he was. He opened his mouth and stared at me as if to say " you were away for two weeks and this is my pillow now." I scared him away not wanting to harm him because they eat spiders and other things that I do not want as roommates. This morning after my run I took my usual long hot shower and went to my room to change. I was digging in my sock drawer when out of the corner of my eye I saw something move right beside my foot. Upon further investigation that made me jump way back I noted in was a scorpion. It was about the size of a quarter but with his tail laid down he was much longer. I however did not see him with his tail laid down. I think I may have stepped on it with my shower shoes and then moved to reveal one pissed off creature. After talking with the Medics and comparing him to the chart it turns out that it was a not one of the deadly ones that one would worry about. However while in Texas I did see my oldest son get stung by one of these things and let me tell you I do not want anything to do with them dead or alive. This one I assure you died an honorable death at the bottom of a 9 wide combat boot.

Lonely Sadness

Sunday
Since my return on Thursday I have felt slow and non-responsive. I barely manage to get the little tasks at hand done. I kind of feel as if there are two hamsters on the wheel. One fighting to turn the wheel one way while the other fights to turn in the opposite direction. The hamsters I have come to realize represent my emotions of the separation of family all over again and the other the job at hand. I cannot seem to come to grips with the separation this time and it makes me almost wish that I have not ever left here. I keep telling myself that if this was a 6 month deal it would be a lot better than the 18 month total time. I feel as if this would allow for just enough hurt and sadness before all things went back to the way it was prior to leaving. My mind now is split between two “Families” the one I have loved for a long time prior to this ordeal and the one I have grown to appreciate and depend on here. My friends are here but my life is there. I know now what it means when one says that “you complete me”. I am incomplete without family. The depression says to me out loud at times that what we do here does not matter. There is however a little voice deep down inside that tells me that what we do here does matter. The feelings that I have now are much stronger than the ones I had during the days after the first separation. The first separation was filled with unknowns and uncertainties that seemed to almost excite me. This time everything was known. I know where we are going and what we are headed into. This makes the ordeal of separation overwhelm my mind. It was as if my mind was clouded and full of the unknown the first time and this time my open mind is full of depression and sadness. How do I shake it…. This morning I had an attack of heart and mind. I felt like something was missing but that I had no way of doing anything about it. I am trapped inside this body in this place with no way out and seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. God help me. I need to get my mind back in the game

Desert Tan

In flight the mesquite green will turn to ocean blue and then once again to desert tan.
The first leg of our journey took us to Budapest Hungry then on to Kuwait. After 9 hours in the air we were not permitted to get off the plane. Man my butt hurts.
The speaker on the aircraft rings out “welcome to Kuwait” a long moan from all of the GIs on board drowning out most of what the Captain said next. “Ground time in Kuwait is 7:45 (pm) and the temperature in the shade is 105. WE’RE BAACK!!!!!!!!!!

Hot late and tired two day beard growing and we wait. Then go time again. The reality of return growing ever apparent as I get my Flack vest and helmet issued back to me. The air is like a gust of heat that hits you when you open the oven door. Hot and dry. My eyes have turned back to a deep shade of red a combination of lack of sleep and blowing dust.
Ever constant in my thoughts were family Rosario Russ and Todd . We celebrated Todds 8th birthday the day before I left. I paid him lots of attention as Russ is grown and he is now a man.(almost) I realized while I was away the for the first 5 months that I did not pay enough attention to Todd and that in my opinion he had almost grown up without a dad. Not at home alot and when I was I did not listen to him or spend time with him. I hope that God will let me return so I can make up for lost time as much as possible. The tear-filled eyes and sad faces of the recent Good-bye flashed in and out as thoughts of my future loomed before me. I try to think of what I can do to support my family and never spend this much time away again. As I ponder my future I analyze the past wondering am who I am and good enough to be something or some one else. If a career change is in my future would it be one of the biggest mistakes that I would ever make.

First Leg of the Journey back

As the plane started its decent I gazed out the window at the roof tops of the big houses below, most with two stories and swimming pools. I think one day we will have a beautiful home like that knowing full well that this will also take a new career. The Military has begun to pay better under the newest president but is still not a get rich career.
"Welcome to Dallas Fort Worth Airport" the pilot says.
Good-bye I love you echoes though my head as I walk aimlessly through the airport. The good-byes I see here are not tear-filled and sad like what I was feeling. I imagine myself in their shoes leaving on vacation or a business trip, then I wonder what these people would do if they had to walk in my shoes, I mean boots for a day…It seems that people are not obvilivious to what is going on as they stop us to tell us “thanks for your service and sacrifice". The sacrifice is great but “no greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for his fellow man.”
Hurry up and wait. The tall glass windows of the airport yield sights of the world here, as I try to get my mind set back to the world there. The busy airways and the busy highways bring thoughts and sights of exactly what we fight for. Freedom all to often taken for granted. Thankfully not by all. 18 years of service, will I stay?

Time to go already?

Ever had a day that you wished would never end? I spent two whole weeks feeling just like that. I enjoyed my time at home. My wife’s birthday was the day I arrived. My oldest son graduated from High School with honors and my young son’s birthday was the day before I had to return. What a whirlwind of excitement. Best two weeks of my life I must say.
With the dreaded good-bye only hours away I do some busy work to make time pass. Last night I could not sleep so I wrote a bunch of notes to my family and put them all over the house. Most simply said I love you.
Today I go back.
As I sit on the plane with my heart full of pain I promise that I will never do this to them again, knowing full well that this means a change of career. Heart-ache and loneliness in store for all of us, for how long? I am uncertain. I only hope that their pain subsides long before mine does. I do not want them to be miserable. I tell myself that I can handle it in my own way in due time.
A single tear rolls down my face as we pull away from the gate. The promise I made to my wife and children is one that only God himself can fulfill. I will be back.
I am proud to do what it is that I do but it does not mean that the pain of separation hurts any less.
Part II of the adventure begins

Home

After a quick check at the Gate to Abilene we adjust our tickets and make a B Line for the showers. The Admirals Club at the airport has so graciously given us this opportunity. This was almost heavenly in itself.
Boarding Call Flight 3239 to Abilene Finally Home. Mortar, Rocket Small arms fire free home.