Lonely Sadness

Sunday
Since my return on Thursday I have felt slow and non-responsive. I barely manage to get the little tasks at hand done. I kind of feel as if there are two hamsters on the wheel. One fighting to turn the wheel one way while the other fights to turn in the opposite direction. The hamsters I have come to realize represent my emotions of the separation of family all over again and the other the job at hand. I cannot seem to come to grips with the separation this time and it makes me almost wish that I have not ever left here. I keep telling myself that if this was a 6 month deal it would be a lot better than the 18 month total time. I feel as if this would allow for just enough hurt and sadness before all things went back to the way it was prior to leaving. My mind now is split between two “Families” the one I have loved for a long time prior to this ordeal and the one I have grown to appreciate and depend on here. My friends are here but my life is there. I know now what it means when one says that “you complete me”. I am incomplete without family. The depression says to me out loud at times that what we do here does not matter. There is however a little voice deep down inside that tells me that what we do here does matter. The feelings that I have now are much stronger than the ones I had during the days after the first separation. The first separation was filled with unknowns and uncertainties that seemed to almost excite me. This time everything was known. I know where we are going and what we are headed into. This makes the ordeal of separation overwhelm my mind. It was as if my mind was clouded and full of the unknown the first time and this time my open mind is full of depression and sadness. How do I shake it…. This morning I had an attack of heart and mind. I felt like something was missing but that I had no way of doing anything about it. I am trapped inside this body in this place with no way out and seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. God help me. I need to get my mind back in the game