Shannon Ireland

We stopped in Shannon Ireland to refuel and get a new group of flight attendants. What a beautiful place. Full of green rolling hills and water. I of course found a coffee shop and had a regular coffee for the low price of 2.30. What a bargain. NOT!!! It was good though. Now at the 50 hour mark of this little excursion. I still have the feeling that we are still not safe. Each time I stand I get this empty feeling like something is missing from my right side. My 9 MM had been there without fail for a couple of months and now I feel incomplete each time I stand. I do however feel this starting to fade a bit but when I do notice it is gone it sets my mind in a panic to figure out where I left it.
9 Hours to Dallas then a short 50 minutes to heaven. Can’t wait but have to….
Red eyed GI’s, Home if only for a little while. As the plane finally touches down on U.S. soil simultaneous applause erupts from the soldiers anticipating the upcoming reunions. Thank God we are back.
The fire Dept at the airport set up two fire trucks on each side of our approach to the terminal and shot water cannons over the plane in a “water salute”. Maybe we are appreciated more than we think.

Call my Name

“Please call my name”, I said it over and over again to myself. All soldiers going on R and R (rest and relaxation) line up in formation. I am sure all of them were thinking the same as I. 1 group 2 groups then I hear my name. Last group departs at 0310 the next day. It figures that I would get this one. The thoughts and feelings of home slowly fad back to the realization that this was still a military operation and like many military operations it fell into the "hurry up and wait" category. As I sit in a wait status I imagine the airport at home. I have been told that people stop and shake your hand and tell you thank you for what you do. This seems awesome but not as awesome as the thought of the bright colors. Multicolored clothes and just the colors of the airport the brilliance of life re-visited if only for a short time. Our flight is called to yet another formation and then I return again to hurry up and wait. Since departure was not for 17 hours we traveled back to the camp. I could not help but feel a sense of depression knowing that I would have to return to this place in 2 short weeks. This dusty tan and at times dark green place had come to haunt me. The roles have reversed and now I feel as if I am separated from my family and that my fellow soldiers were just that, soldiers. After lunch and a few last minute adjustments to my gear we returned back to the airport. I call it an airport but it is nothing more than a bunch of tents and some tall cement barriers for protection. Mortars could be heard earlier in the day and they seemed to be getting started up again. It seems that most Thursdays were like this. Friday being a holy day for the Iraqi people. "Hurry up and wait" you have got to love it.

See Jane Run!!

With the pain comes the pride of knowing that the job you do is appreciated. The people at home know we are here doing what needs to be done. Some do not admit it. I recently recieved the Jane Fonda traitor email. This is the third time in as many years that I have recieved this email. This time it said something about she is up for Woman of the Year or something. Well the following is my opinion. This woman does not deserve to live in the country that I defend. She caused pain and anguise on soldiers who had already suffered enough. I know that we should forgive and forget peoples mistakes but in this case I just do not see the need. If she were to admit the fact that she screwed up and make compensation to the families then maybe I could bring myself to forgive what she did to stain our country. Instead she lives a lifestyle of the rich and famous in a country that she dishonored. When I think of her being woman of the year I think that they must be talking about another country.

True Red white and Blue

Last night I went to see Toby Keith. This man gives up his time he comes here to entertain the troops, and let me tell you he did just that. The place was packed. There was a chance that we would be seen on the CMA awards. This did not matter as just being there was awesome. This man in my book is truly deserving of the Award Entertainer of the Year. This was by far the best hour that I have had since being in country. I sat on a flatbed trailer where all I could see was the top half of this giant of a man. I sang along with his songs. In a combat zone this man sang for us. He put himself in harms way to come here. He and Charlie Daniels are the only singers who have exhibited the True Red White and Blue colors of a US supporter since I have been here.

Freedom Bird

1 AM 20 May Soldiers sleeping on the hard pavement, many of us still awake with the excitement of the upcoming trip home. Red eyed sore butt only 3 more hours to wait.
3 AM I think I am on the next bird but I am unsure. Planes have come and gone all night. In an effort to get back on Texas time I have stayed awake for 22 hours now. Red eyed and heavy feet but I found some coffee; I am good for another couple of hours now.
5 AM Plane finally arrived again no sleep head bobbing. Crap I forgot my ear plugs. So the deafening sound of the military flight will stay with me for hours after the flight.
We arrive in Kuwait load a bus and yet another stop where hurry up and wait comes into play. Then another prayer. “Please call my name” They did this time for the first group it means I get to go home today and will not have to wait until tomorrow. I managed a nap before we headed through customs. Now in another wait status……and then the word comes, the flight is late. Damn it, can’t we just go home? As we stand and sit and stand again a combination of misinformation and sore butts from the metal chairs brings me to smell myself, “shit I stink. I need a shower.. I try to recall my last shower and when I finally do I realize that it was some 37 hours ago. In this heat this is unacceptable. I smell like a goat.
Finally after all of the hurry up and wait we board the “Freedom Bird”. I can’t help but feel like an inmate released from prison and for the first time in a long while seeing the outside. The freedom bird is the first taste of color. The plane was blue and white with a US flag on the side. The hours of wait have finally paid off. Heading home. Day 1 at home already mapped out in my mind.

Already There

How is it possible to be somewhere that you are not? I, am already there.. My mind has been home for a couple of weeks but my body flies out in a few days. I am already there. Can't eat can't sleep can't work all I do is think about home and the joyous reunion that is upcoming. The excitement builds, but the days just stopped. There is a feeling of uneasiness that has come over me in these last few days. It is like the first time you ride a thrill ride. You are scared but excited all at the same time. I feel this. I am excited but scared. Will my kids know me? Will my wife feel as I do like a stranger. Will my dog bite me on the leg? As the journey home begins I have already started to map out the days. Vowing not to sleep for the entire time I am there. I want to spend every bit of time possible with family. I want the days to drag by slowly. I want the two weeks to last a life-time. As I prepare for the long trip I know deep down inside that I am Already there...

Flying Fried Chicken

Yesterday was a tough day. I had a double bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I was not really hungry for lunch so I had a half a piece of pizza and a gator-aide. Come dinner time I was starved and thought that I would go and eat a healthy meal for a change. I rode my bike to chow like I always do, making me even hungrier. I decided on the chicken and some green beans and cabbage. I found a seat and began to eat. I started with the green beans and cabbage as I know that if I do not eat them first I will not eat them. I Picked up the chicken for the first bite and there they were feathers. Still on the damned bird. I was so disgusted that I dropped it on the plate and tossed it all in the trash. How could they have missed this. This morning I was very hungry. I actually had to go to breakfast for the first time in a long while. Usually I make my own oatmeal and coffee and just relax, but have let myself run completely out of oatmeal. 8 days just 8 days and then happiness for a short while and food I am going to gain back half of the 16 pounds that I have lost since the adventure began.................

And the Walls come tumbling down

We had one heck of a storm night before last. The winds whiped and blew over lots of things. We woke in the morning to find the porta-johns(not what we call em)blown over in the middle of the street. Later on in the day we found out that around a 100 foot section of the wall had been blown over. This is the boundary between good and bad. This boundary in most areas is a sturdy structure but in many areas it consists of no more than cinder blocks stacked one on top of the other. No metal and no masonary used to set them in place just stacked. THis is a scary thought. We posted guards on the "hole" and a tank was placed there as extra fortification. Wow I feel safe. I have had dreams of someone knocking on the door late at night and then busting the door in and starting to shoot. I have traded my M4 in for a lighter and smaller 9 mm pistol. I have had thoughts of getting my M4 back and keeping it close at hand at night. They say that the "bad guys" are afraid of the 9 mm more than that of a rifle. I learned to shot the 9 MM while here and have become quite the shooter with it. I sure hope that I never have to put my skill to the test. It is fun shooting paper targets but have no urge to shoot anyone. I will however defend againist anyone who has intentions of doing harm to me, my fellow soldiers or, if found it the situation, friendly Iraqi people. Everyone deserves a chance....

Sleepless

Last night I did not sleep at all. Not for any reason that can be understood easily. I was so tired that I could not keep my eyes open but when they closed it was like a kalidescope of things that I needed to do floating around and around. I completely rebuilt my carport at home in my head. I wrote memo's to handle all things that have gone wrong since being here. I remarried my Loving Wife again. So on and so on. The swirling would not stop. Sometime around 3 am I seemed to drift but only for a moment coming back to thoughts of what do I need to teach my Supply Clerk so she can handle my job while I am away. And of course the cycle started all over again. In my tired state I did not remember to set my clock as everyday on generator power the clock looses about 45 minutes. So my day started off wrong. Today however was a good day as my friend and I who oddly enough was born on the same day as I only 8 years later put together a BBQ and cooked steaks. We said Happy Birthday to each other as the day prior he did not have the time to slow down enough to even think of his birthday. You know it seems in life that just when you think you have it bad your are reminded in a subtle way that someone out there has it worse.

The Kids

You know kids say what they feel and they write it too. I have had the pleasure of recieving about 30 letters from kids in the school district from home. Most ask questions like is the food good or is it dusty or do you sleep outside. But one kid made a statement that will remain with me until this adventure is over. He said in closing his letter "I hope you make it back". This young man out of all the letters I received said something that was more memorable than any of the others. We all hope we make it back. It is so amazing that our kids today can think up and say things that will ever be set in our memories. God willing we will all make it back

Birthday

Today was my birthday. As my wife put 36 years ago God made something special for her. Today started off in a terrible way. It seems that a couple of E-8 who do not comunicate with each other very well got into a heated discussion over some decisions made to better take care of our soldiers. Of course shit rolls down hill so I was on the recieving end of lots of it. Tired worn out and pissed off I went to chow and talked with some friends. They were trying to get me to play dominos with them as I had done for the last 3 Fridays in a row. I did not want to go I just wanted to sit back and think about the dumb stuff that had happened earlier in the day. After some twisting of my arm I decided to go after-all these are my true friends here. Upon arrival we played several hands of dominos and I got up from the table and when I returned someone said "let's do it now". From around the corner the Lt brought a cake with happy birthday SSG B on it.(Biggerstaff would not fit) It was a wonderful suprise that not only did they remember but they called another Camp and asked the cooks there to prepare a cake for me. The cake was delicious. IT is incredible that when you seem to be down the most and family is not around that your friends no your True Friends come to the rescue. This was not my best birthday by far but it is one that I will not soon forget.

Leave me alone

Feelings of sadness from within they build. It is like it starts with the heart and then consumes the whole body. I cannot seem to shake it off. The building feelings of worry about the upcoming trip home combined with the fear of someone else handling my job while I am gone. No matter how hard I try to get things perfect prior to my departure I always remember something that I have neglected to teach. Will I be the same person I was when I left? When I get home will I feel like a stranger visiting “someone elses home”. The feeling of terror mounts. The WALL could this be it? Could this be what I have talked about and heard about for years. I want so much to go home but also have a fear of being there. It will be okay I tell myself but I do not know if it will or if I will. The burning sensation in the pit of my stomach has been building as I count down the days till I return home. I do not usually count days as it seems to make them slow down. A helpless feeling has taken over. I want to go home yet the fear almost makes wish not to return.

YUCK

All soldiers come from different backgrounds and walks of life. The other day I had to clean out a soldiers room. The soldier went home on leave and hurt his back and did not return. This soldier was obviously from a different walk of life that I will never travel. His room was a pig pen. Dirty cloths everywhere trash on the floor on the bed and even in his footlocker. I told his squad leader that he is partially to blame. The young soldiers who are married and away from home seem to have the hardest time. The simple tasks like doing laundry are hard for them. First Mom did their laundry and then their wife. Now they find themselves standing in front of the washer trying to make out the “Greek” writing on the knob. Cleanliness can and has to be forced upon some of these soldiers. I was completely disgusted with emptying his room.

BOOM

BOOM!!!!! What the hell was that? We all venture outside to see what was going on. I made it to the top of the steps when boom and then the sound of something flying through the air. It has begun again. A long night. The sound of the rocket cutting through the air really cuts deep. I heard it launch cut through the air and then impact. I am so thankful that they do not know how to aim these things. They get so close but so far we have been untouched. How long will they miss? We loaded up in the HUMMV and drove to check on our troops. My roommate is a 26 year old medic. He was born on the same day as I was only several years later than I. He is good at what he does. The day of the VBED right outside the wall he went out. He rendered aid to one of the soldiers in the vehicle that was destroyed by the VBED. We checked on the troops and then drove some of the perimeter. “there is a hole in the wall on the Victory” the voice on the radio reported to higher. Will this hole enabled them to get in? Would they come in and risk the chance of fight us face to face instead of trying to deal death from afar? It seems that the cowardess of these people is growing. Most are not willing to die for their cause.

Supply Run

Today I had to go on another supply run. The place we go to pick up supplies is under constant mortar fire. They cannot seem to locate those responsible for these attacks. One girl recounted of a recent mortar attack saying that one landed right beside her and broke into pieces. It did not go off or she would have gone home possible in a flag draped box. I really don’t like these days but it must be done at a minimum of three times a week. This is where all of the troubles always surface it seems. After dropping off the requests and picking up supplies we got back in the truck and tried to start it up but off course it did not start. We have been having some troubles with it for a while. Being a former mechanic I know that the main thing one must have is cables. We hooked up the cables and flagged down the nearest Hummv for help. It of course started right up. We hauled butt out of there just like we have done for some 4 months now. It is important as a leader not to send my troops into a place that I would not go so I make it a point to ride along at a minimum of twice a week.

This time Next Year

Next year at this time where will I be. There are talks about big moves back in the states. Last year we said “Next year we will be in Iraq dreaming of a cold beer and home”. We laughed and said that it was not true. Now in my 5 month in country I begin to wonder about what life will have in store if I do make it back. With all of the different things going on in life for me I wonder, What does my future hold in store for me? When I was young I wanted to be a writer but gave up on it after high school. I just did not know where to start or if college was required. I wish I would have stayed in college and finished. I could be a writer for a newspaper or just successful. I know that the job that we do here is important but how is success measured. It is measure by the amount of money that you have in the bank or the number of possessions that you have. To me success is measured by the number of people who love you and the number of friends made during your lifetime. I guess that by my own definition I am successful. I have a wife who tells me that she misses me on a daily basis. A son who said “I don’t know what I would do if my dad does not come home”, and a younger son who cries for me on occasion thinking that I will not come home. My brother and sister send emails frequently to check on me. My parents for the first time that I can remember told me that they love me and are proud of me. This is success. Faith Hope and Love the greatest is Love. As I ponder the future the present and the past I can really say that I am successful maybe not with possessions maybe not with money but I do have a bunch of people back home who really love me.

Depth of a Man

The depth of a man is measured by what?
The depth of a man is measured by what? If a shallow man is in charge of an intelligent man which one will prevail? Today I feel like someone just ran over my dog. As the pressure mounts more and more things seem to appear in my lap with a deadline of right now. As I think of the upcoming leave the pressure becomes really unstable. For the first time in a long while I feel as if I am away from home and that these strangers are not really my family. It seems that when you know what is going on and what is supposed to go on they give you so many tasks to do that even the simple stuff cannot be done correctly. Now in the midst of all of this work they have talked about taking yet another one of my soldiers away. Ever have one of those days when you want to throw your hands up in the air and say Screw it (not what I was thinking ). I have had a month like that today. I just don’t know where to start and where it will end. Leave, oh the wonders of home. The food the family I cannot wait. I wish I could go and stay there because I know that when it is time to leave I will fall into a depression that will only be lifted by “the end of this deployment”. When asked what I will do when I get home after this deployment, my answer is “I think I would really look good in those little blue postal shorts.” Truth be told I am scared to think of the future and seem to dwell in the present, never looking much more than two days ahead. The uncertainties in life are clear as I begin to feel again like that high school senior that I was some 17 years ago now. What does the future hold for me?

Life-time Realization

Lifetime Realization
Getting married entirely too young I found myself madly in love but wanting to be a kid too. I was 18 when I met the most awesome girl. She was beautiful. The day we met I was working at Wal-mart and attending college in Odessa. I was outside of the store when her and a mutual friend entered the store. I had decided earlier in my life that I was not meant to have a beautiful girlfriend or wife and that I would have to settle for what I was given. I held the door open for her as she entered and said “Hello”. I may have thought that beautiful girls were not for me but I was not afraid to talk to them. Within the next couple of days the mutual friend had a party at her house and we were both invited. As a friend and I walked up to the party I remember seeing a 1972 Dodge Challenger in the parking lot. I remember telling my friend that I would give anything to drive a car like that. As we entered the party I saw her again. This time she had a glow about her. I checked my glasses to make sure that they were not dirty. They were not and the glow would not go away. Her eyes, her smile, her hair, and her shape, everything about her was perfect. Later on she was sitting on the back of the couch, which was close to the kitchen table where they were playing games. I approached and asked,“Is this seat taken”. There was just enough room beside her for me to sit down. I remember her perfume. It was like a gust of spring on a hot summer day. “Man she smells good’, I thought. We sat and laughed and talked and then a guy came and asked me to move. I did because again I thought that I was not meant to have a woman as perfect as she was. After awhile someone started causing problems and the party started to break up. I was sitting on the couch waiting for my friend to come back when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. I turned and we made eye contact. She waved me over. I was unsure if she was waving to me so I quickly checked over my shoulder. No one else in the room she must mean me I thought. I got up and went to her and she asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I said “Sure”. Momma did not raise no fool. As we walked down the stairs and through the parking lot she asked me if I wanted to drive. I said, “Sure, which car is yours.” The blue one she said. Yes you guessed it. It was the Challenger. I think a God, who I had not spoken to most of my young life, put this night together. My family and I did attend church but it was a forced to deal and I never really paid attention or under-stood. I started the car and turned on the headlights. Playing right in front of the car was a west Texas jackrabbit. I pointed it out to her. We drove around and talked for a while and really hit it off. When we returned and I turned into the parking space we saw two rabbits. Back then I thought of this as just neat but now I think it was an early sign of future things. This was the most awesome night of my life. We have been married for some 15 years and I still look upon her as beautiful and she still has the beautiful eyes, hair and shape. I still have the scrap of paper she wrote her phone number on and still know the number by heart. These things can cause a soldier so far away from home to either be really depressed or really happy. I, myself can say that I have something special to go home to and cannot wait until that day comes.

Censored

Censored
Today I had a meeting with a man who I have nothing but respect for. I was told that my last article Silence should not be sent to my home town newspaper. I listened to the reasoning attentively and nodded a few time here and there but I do not understand. People are dieing over here and that is what I wrote. I wrote the feelings I had when I found out that death was so close that day. I do not understand and really do not feel much like writing anymore. He recommended posting my writings on a Bloger or something to that affect. What I have written is from the heart and I guess that is not acceptable in certain settings. If it is a recruiting thing that we are trying not to ruin then enlistment would be a lie. Soldiers die and have been dieing nearly everyday for some two or three years since the beginning of this conflict. I am confused. I want to write about everything that goes on but want to share with the people I know not so much the people I do not. Feelings can’t be censored but who is allowed to hear or read about them obviously can be. Not intended to offend intended to express feelings and nothing more.

Silence

Silence
The roar of the mess hall was halted by the sound of a loud boom. Was it another controlled detonation? Everyone continued eating shortly after. This is the way it has been around here, a large blast means dramatic pause and then business as usual we cannot dwell on the fact that it could have been some horrific. This time it was. As I got on my bike and road up Main Street I saw it a plume of smoke rising high over the place that I have called home for so many days now. As I road closer my speed increased thinking that it looked as if it had hit my home. The closer I got I realized that it was outside the wall. Thank God I remember thinking. Upon arrival I talked to the guys who had not gone to chow. They said that the whole building shook and things fell off the shelves. It blew the door open breaking the door stricker plate. The helicopters were flying overhead and are still there as I write this. A friend returned from the tower overlooking the nightmare and told of what he had seen. It was a VBED (vehicle with an explosive device mounted on it). These have become the chosen way for the terrorists to strike terror. It worked, in my case anyway. This attack from what I am told took no lives but caused many injuries and totaled out one hummv. The Med Evac chopper was called in and landed to take away the most serious casualties. My roommate showed up just minutes before and made a mad dash for his Blackhawk aid bad and then was gone in the blink of an eye. As I stood and watched from my vantage point I could see only smoke and helicopters but could here the small arms fire. When my friend returned he informed me that the small arms fire that we had heard was that of the rounds cooking off in the Hummv. The hummv did not catch fire until all occupants were out. Thank God. I can only hope that the injuries were not severe. I will try to find out what the extent of the injuries because my brothers were out there. We have come to be a total force. Whether they are Texans or soldiers from Louisiana we are all brothers. I hope that the LA soldiers did not loose another one of their own. There is some question as to which the soldiers belonged to. Some say it was soldiers from the 10th Mountain, out of New York, I believe. One fact that came in a little bit later is that two soldiers were killed and several more were injured. I guess the initial report that all got out of the Hummv prior to it catching fire were untrue. Oh my God what a terrible day it has started out to be. I wonder if when they got up this morning if they felt that things were a little off center or abnormal. I wonder if they had families back in the states who would be devastated by this tragedy. I wonder what if anything could have been done to avoid this. Take them Home Lord to your place. “No greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for his fellow man.”