Fear of another kind.

As I sit in the parking lot and ponder the next hour, my hands shake my stomach aches partially from the fact that I have not eaten all day and the upcoming "event". I start to sweat and think, “I can do it, I can do it". The fear is not of what I am about to do because I do this daily without hesitation or issue. It is the environment in which it is to be done. Since last week I have thought about this day, over and over milling it through my mind wondering if I had made a mistake by volunteering. It is so simple I tell myself yet I am terrified. I am talking about speaking in public. You see last Sunday at church I volunteered to give the "Welcome and the Opening Prayer". Both of which I am quite capable of without a doubt. I speak to God each night as I have for a couple of years now. I have no problem thanking him for the good in my life and asking for help with the bad. Tonight was different. I know that I did not completely blow it as I did stand up there and pray, but maybe I am “harder on myself than I need to be.” As for what I said I could not tell you because I do not remember. All week I had rehearsed for this so that I could flow through this with confidence. Each time I practiced I felt as if I was being told to “close my eyes listen to my heart and speak." This would have been fine in an empty room but there were people there. Now you are probably thinking of a large crowd of people. The feelings inside of me are the same with the ten that we had or with hundreds. When Johnny was killed I wrote a poem about him and his family. His widow asked me to read it at a vigil that was scheduled for that evening. In a way this was easier because I wrote it and then read it in front of almost a whole city. I did try to worm my way out of reading it. My brother in law not in these words exactly called me a coward. I could not let that go so I did it. Again it was like I was not there. I just did it and left. Tonight I think I started off okay but I lost something in midstream. My mouth became disconnected from my heart (where prayer comes from) and reconnected to my brain which was telling me that I was scared and that people were staring at me. This made for a very short prayer that I was not happy with. I do however hold some sense of achievement as I did stand up there and I did face a fear and I did do what it was that I needed to do. I do have intentions of doing this again but hopefully with full connection to my heart and no distractions of the brain. I fear public speaking more than I fear being in this country. It is strange to some that I could say this but others like me know of where it is that I come from. Fear faced. Goal Accomplished. Need Practice.

May God bless the soldiers and keep them safe from harm and may God bless our families and keep them safe as well for there are more people killed in any major US city in a day than are killed here in that same day. Lord help me to get over this fear because I know that this will help me become a better person and become closer to you which is where we all belong. I ask this in Jesus name Amen.

The kids are okay physically

Remember in an earlier posting I told of the Iraqi children who were injured. They had been burned. Well today my friend was allowed to accompany a group going out into that same neighborhood. He was asked to do so that he might stop in and check on the children. The children were burned as a punishment by their father. In this society the women do the work and the men well I don't know what they do. So when a husband gets mad at his wife it could be the children who suffer for it. The husband does not want to injure the wife because she has to do the work. It saddens me to think that there are people in this world who think like this. These children will undoubtedly grow up and think that this is the way in is supposed to be and do this to their own children. Sad Good news is that the kids were okay and did not appear to have suffered any lasting effects.

BOOK

I have been reading a book about the early stages of the war and the Marines who were sent into battle. This book is a great mix of passion, war and religion. Some of the events talked about in the book are so unbelievable that it takes on an almost fiction feel. While other pages brought tears to my eyes. (Real Men don’t cry. Yeah right) The concept of love for God by these Marine’s is shown in depth and very detailed in this book. It is an inspiration to all Soldiers, Sailors and Marines everywhere. It has made me want to be a better person as well as a better Christian. In a combat zone hands bloody and dirty, but their knees were bent and Marines prayed and found Christ, a coming to Christ where water from the Chaplains canteen was used to baptize the soldier into the family of God. The excitement and Peace I have felt over these past few days, are greatly because of this book. The powerful message has to be experienced not shared. So pick up a copy and read of the true heroes and of “A table in the Presence” by LT. Carey H. Cash

Blah blah Blah Still here Blah Blah Blah

I have been a peace since the last time I wrote. I don't know but it just seems that nothing bothers me right now. I talked with a soldier in the chow hall who I know does not like me and we have avoided talking. I can't explain it. I put some thought and effort into a video and am putting lots more thought and effort into another one. I started reading another book. This one is about a Navy Chaplain who entered this country during the first days of the war. These were the true heros not me in my little house here. The heros of this world in my mind are the ones who got here first and the ones out in the streets everyday staring in the face of danger. My eyes have seen some very dangerous things here but none SO FAR have been directed at me. I am just here peaceful and at ease with everything around me. I got really involved in my book and when my friend came in I wondered why he was in uniform. I quickly snapped back into this world as I had been in my own little world while reading. I joked and carried on with family while IMing last night. The guys who got here first did not have that luxury. They only talked when they got the chance which was monthly at best. We do what we do and we volunteered to do it. Sometimes these things are overwelming but right now the feeling of peace is wonderful. I hope it will last.

Fact or Fiction You decide cause I believe

I do love to fish. I have spent numerous hours fishing when time permits. The fish here are strange. They have some seriously strange fish. There are lots of carp but the ones that I am talking about have the heads of a catfish and the tail of an eel. Okay not too exciting. The interpreters tell stories of horror surrounding the goings on before our occupation. It has been told by several people about Sadamns sons house. This house is down the street and around the corner. Well it was a house now it is a couple of walls with holes throughout. Hooah USA. Local people have told us that on the back porch the son kept a chipper. The ones that are used for cutting up tree branched into mulch. When a person was murdered or killed for whatever sick reason their bodies were loaded into the chipper. The chipper faced the water so the remains were sent out into the water. The fish here do not much care for bait. They biggest fish are caught here with steak from the mess hall and raw steak works the best. We also fish with slim jim beef jerky sticks. I did not know why the fish did not like lures or bait until I was told this story. Now I refuse to fish here for I do not know what I am pulling out of the water and have no desire to touch a fish to remove it from my hook.

Another fact or fiction story told by an Iraqi woman interpretter is the story of Sadamns second wife. Sadamn had a servant woman who thought that Sadamn might like one of her friends. So she introduced them. Soon after Sadamn took her as his second wife. This infuriated the son. There was a party at his house which the servant was working. The son took the woman outside and beat her to death for the introduction. I after being here for the time I have do not doubt that these stories are true. The sickness of this family is over and now I pray that these people will come out and live on their own and one day learn to defend themselves instead of hiding in fear.

Return of Jesus Part II?

What is going on in the world today? Attacks in London then again and now Eygpt. Who are these terrorists and where do they come from? People willing to kill themselves and take others with them. Maybe we should not call them terrorists. They do strike terror in people but they usually don't live through it. I had a name for them but I probably should not put it here. Maybe we can call them suicidal bombers or ummm maybe cowards. They are in such a hurry to see their God so why don't they all get together and send each other and leave the rest of the world alone. I am thinking about buying a Koran before I leave here. I just want to see where it says to kill as many people as you can and you will be rewarded in....is it heaven that they think they are going to or hell. The begining of the end. That does not sound right but unfortunately I believe it is right. I have read Revelations but for the most part did not understand it. I am begining to believe that this is turning into a religious war. Not the one we fight here but a combined war being fought by many countries throughout the world. The world is going to the dogs. Colorado on fire people missing fathers stabbing their own children and the temperatures in the world rising every year. As I sit and listen to a mother tell the murderer of her daughter that she wants him to disappear into an abyss and never be heard seen or prayed for by anyoneever again, I wonder what will happen tomorrow. Is the entire world headed in this direction. I am not much on biblical quotations but I know that God leveled cities in scripture for sins less than the ones being carried out throughout the world today. Now I do believe that no sin is greater than another but there has to be a line. It is said that "he who is without sin cast the first stone". I live life like that but......but there should be a line. Killing, attempted murder, suicide bombings should be listed above all. These are crimes againist God as well as man, but if you don't believe in God..........then what. A sign I read at a church said it best. It said "Get Right or Get Left." Since God controls everything then will armagedon be his way of cleansing his people once again. The movie with Bruce Willis comes to mind as well. Does anyone think that we could stop something like that? Another question is would we want to?

The Combat Patch

Today I had to take the rest of the soldiers uniforms to the cleaners to have the "Patches" sewn on. The patch of which I speak is the combat patch. This patch is awarded a soldier serving in a combat zone for a certain period of time. Some soldiers spend there entire careers without even getting one. It seems today that most soldiers will have one before they have ten years of service. There are several patches that can be worn. The Unit patch on the opposite side of the uniform can be worn as a combat patch or the unit to which you are attached to may be worn. One of the "big guys" in our brigade decided to make a rule that everyone knew was not right and could not be enforced. He put it out that no one was allowed to wear any patch other than the unit patch. This made alot of soldiers mad and then did not sew a patch on their uniforms. Some did as we felt as if we were being forced to do so. Don't get me wrong I have utmost respect for the division to which I am assigned but Do not like the fact that this Patch is being shoved down my throatt. I decided that if he did force us to sew this on I would not wear a combat patch at all. Well some one decided to complain and complain big. Next thing you know the order was resinded and now we are authorized to wear whatever patch we want. So I have returned back to the idea that I would sew on 2 and 2 on my 4 sets of uniforms. This shows respect for both units, the one I am assigned to and the one we support. Seems kind of petty as it is just a patch but it seems that the petty things mean so much when you have nothing else to think about.

The Patch

Today I had to take the rest of the soldiers uniforms to the cleaners to have the "Patches" sewn on. The patch of which I speak is the combat patch. This patch is awarded a soldier serving in a combat zone for a certain period of time. Some soldiers spend there entire careers without even getting one. It seems today that most soldiers will have one before they have ten years of service. There are several patches that can be worn. The Unit patch on the opposite side of the uniform can be worn as a combat patch or the unit to which you are attached to may be worn. One of the "big guys" in our brigade decided to make a rule that everyone knew was not right and could not be enforced. He put it out that no one was allowed to wear any patch other than the unit patch. This made alot of soldiers mad and then did not sew a patch on their uniforms. Some did as we felt as if we were being forced to do so. Don't get me wrong I have utmost respect for the division to which I am assigned but Do not like the fact that this Patch is being shoved down my throatt. I decided that if he did force us to sew this on I would not wear a combat patch at all. Well some one decided to complain and complain big. Next thing you know the order was resinded and now we are authorized to wear whatever patch we want. So I have returned back to the idea that I would sew on 2 and 2 on my 4 sets of uniforms. This shows respect for both units, the one I am assigned to and the one we support. Seems kind of petty as it is just a patch but it seems that the petty things mean so much when you have nothing else to think about.

A day in the life

The sun comes up between 5 and 6 am and goes down around 9 or 10 pm. Long days. I am able to get out of bed in the mornings. I believe this is attributed to the lack of nicotine flows through my veins. The patch does not put near the same amount that my body has become accustom to. I don’t usually go to the office till 0900. This is usually because I do not leave the office till late in the evening. With the time difference that evening is the best time to handle any stateside affairs such as purchases with the Government Credit card. I wish I did not have this but someone has to do it. This morning I was lucky enough to catch my wife on Instant mail. We usually wait till in the evening here but I caught her in the evening there. The time is really confusing. We are 9 hours ahead but if you use Texas time then we are 9 behind. I just add three and change from am to pm or vice versa. After we talked I rode my bike to the chow hall for some of that Good Army Chow made by people who I have noticed don’t eat it. They are refered to as Hodgies (Iraqi people) but most are Indians or Pakistanis. They work for next to nothing but are being paid millions in their eyes. I talked to the man who sews on our patches and he said he did not have a job in his home country. “No work” he said. I asked if he was married and he said “Not yet” with a smile. I think he may have someone in mind. Anyway I think I am rambling. Oh yeah breakfast I had to eat because the ulcers in my mouth have made eating a chore and I get tired of trying before I get full, Plus I am out of coffee and refuse to drink Maxwell House. I guess I should not be picky but something are just not the same as “Folgers in your cup”. After eating about half my food I headed off to the weekly supply meeting. This meeting is where the supply guys get together and gripe about what is going wrong here and how it is next to impossible to account for property. We also share secrets and contacts for “drug deals” to get things that cannot be obtained through the system. IE Near beer fresh meats and extra milk and so on. The mess hall will not give you more than you can carry out so we have made “contacts” to help us. It is mostly a complaint session though. Afterwards I rode back to the office. The office and the house are right next to each other. We have it the best by far. I think I have mentioned before that most have to go outside and use the plastic bathrooms and walk to a shower trailer. We have a complete Hodgie bathroom. Every thing here is strange. The shower is among the strangest. It is a corner of the room with plumbing sticking out of the wall. The strange thing is until us westerners got here there was no shower curtain. I guess they just stood there in the corner and splashed water all over the room. We quickly got something rigged up to fix that problem. After a few minutes in the office I remembered that I forgot to re-dispatch my truck on the day prior. My supply clerk usually handles this but she is headed home for some much needed R and R. So I have to do everything myself and try to remember how to do things that she has been handling since we arrived. I feel lost in my own supply room. I quick trip to the motorpool and redispatch. Takes a little while as the vehicle has to be completely inspected to ensure that it will not fail when it is needed. After that it was lunch time. I managed to eat a little more. I have found something that I really like in the chow hall. It is some hard rolls. I mean hard as a rock. I cut them in half and add lunch meat and cheese a few jalapenos and some black olives and then nuke the whole plate for 35 seconds. This makes the bread soft but only while it is warm. I add a bag of chips that has a bunch of writing that I can’t read. They have Ketchup flavored chips here. They are okay but I would not pay for them. Wash it all down with a Gatoraide. I must admit that I really tried to make this sound good. The main line is where the problems come from but I will tell you about that when I get to the dinner meal. After lunch I was buried in paperwork. I account for 4 different types of property. The totals of this property are in excess of 10 million dollars. I know the exact figure because I was asked to total it up. This property does not leave unless I have a Hand receipt for it. I must know where it all is at all times. You know you have been doing it too long when you can remember serial numbers and locations without looking at your paperwork. The Commander called and said he wanted to go shopping. Having this credit card at times is a benefit. I really needed to make it to the PX because I needed some shaving gel and some bath soap. The benefit is he borrowed an NTV( Toyota Land Cruiser) to get us there. It could have been an Opal for all I care as long as it has air. Remember we are experiencing a cold front. I looked at the temp gage just now an at 7:30 pm it is 106. The high was supposed to be 118 and I am sure we made it. After the shopping trip the CO dropped me off and it was again chow time. I mounted my trusty bike and rode to chow once again. Today was steak night. Usually steak night is on Friday. Okay right now you are picturing a steak a real piece of meat cooked by someone who knows how to prepare a steak. Well riding up to the mess hall on steak night is the only time it will seem real. They cook the steaks on a BBQ pit outside. Still sounds appealing huh? Then they put them in a pot with water in the bottom and carry them in and put them in the oven. This makes these lovely smelling steaks taste like liver by the time they are served. I had fried shrimp which is hard for them to mess up. I ate half the steak and all of the shrimp and again wash it down with a gatoraide. The sodas here taste odd. My soda of choice has not been seen since my return trip. I have seen a Fully leaded Dr Pepper on occasion but the Dt DP is the best. After dinner you guessed it back on the bike and back to the office.

Well in a nutshell that is a day in the life. I censored and left out arguments with people not doing there jobs. Some things are best not shared.

Day 2

Day 2 no nicotene. This really sucks. The patch seems to help with the cravings and attitude but it sticks to my lip and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Haha. Have not started any crap with anyone like the last time I quit. This time though it is finally for good. No more just one smoke or just one pinch. I am through. I don't like to way I look or smell while doing this and food is already begin to taste different. This time is the right time. If I can quit here then I can quit for good.

Reflections

As I see the moon reflect on the water.
I too reflect, yet my reflections are from memory.
I reflect on the love that I have for her. So far away,
I see as the moon shimmers on the water, the brown in her eyes
soft yet strong. In them I see an undying love for me I sometimes
find it hard to believe that she could possible love me as much as I
love her. It just seems impossible. As my eyes adjust to the Darkness my
memories become that much clearer. I am there with her and she is in my arms. Thinking laughing and enjoying the moment all too aware that the moment will end
as quickly as it began. I see her smile, her long black hair and the smell of that familiar perfume in the night air. Missing her, being alone is a circle closing in on me. The blackness comes and goes. It seems to open up when we talk and close in on me until we talk again. As a fish hits the top of the water in the black of night, I watch the ripples carry across the moon as the feeling of alone returns.

Cold Front

Tomorrow we have a cold front rolling through. I decided I should get out my long underwear and my cold weather boots. I have been looking for a while trying to find my beanie hat. I can only hope the difference in temperature does not cause me to get a cold as I do almost every year. I really hate to have to wear all of that cold weather gear. I will probably take the truck tomorrow to chow as I do not want to spend too much time out in the cool air on my bike. Todays temperature was marked at 120 degrees with the thermometers on the base reading upwards of 125. How is it possible for such a change in just a night. I guess that is the desert for you. The news just announced a cold front and that tomorrows temp will be 118. Ha ha got cha.
Cold front heck I am just happy with shade but a cold front would be awesome.... Thank God that we have Air conditioners. Wish I could just stay inside, but then I would not get to enjoy the "Cold Front".

Just some amusement as nothing spectacular has happen in a while.

Withdrawls

As I sit here hands trembling, face pale and body twitching and not able to calm it. I wonder why would I ever do something that would make me feel this way. It was 1988 and I thought I looked cool with a Cigarette in my mouth. These thoughts were replaced by need and then by addiction. I have off and on smoked or dipped for some 17 years now. More than half of my life. Today is the final day. As I sit here head going 900 miles a minute hands twitching so bad that this would be un-intellegable if not for the backspace button and spell check. I QUIT. The ulcers on both sides of my mouth a reminder that what I have been doing to my body is unhealthy and wrong. I have been abusing the temple that God made for me. I QUIT. I sit and read the instructions for the patch and it says that not everyone quits using this system. The 21 mG of Nicotene that are released slowly over a 24 hour period will not give me the same nicotene that is in one Dip of Copenhagen. THis time it will not matter because I quit. This will be the last time I speak of this habit.

ROA Rules of Assistance?

Yesterday my friend the Medic received a call. I am not sure as to where the call came from but it was about some Iraqi children who were injured. My understanding of the incident is that the two children where burned by a pot of boiling water. My friend and another medic went to their aid. They bandaged the burns of these two rather distraunt children. After getting them bandaged he loaded the children up and took them to a Military Hospital. How can this careing guesture be wrong. What happened today was unacceptable. He had to explain why he chose to help these children. "We did not hurt them so why did we help them". Are these children not people. I think of the ramifications of this. If we did not render aid would we have made another enemy here in a country that we are trying to help? Why would it be wrong to help someone in need? I guess this is another case of a caring soldier doing what he thinks is right. I support his decision even if the upper chain does not. He put himself in harms way on the outside of the wall to help injured children. This is worthy of a hero status not a questionable status. God heal these children and heal this country. Let them stand on their own and fight for the freedoms that all Man-kind deserves.

Sounds of Silence

"Hello Darkness my old friend I have come to fear you once again". These are my lyrics to the Simon and Garfunkel song. It seems that nighttime is the time of noises. This afford the bad guys the opportunity to get away. Just by the type of noise heard we know what type of weapon it was and which side it came from. The most deadly of these noises sounds like WaaaWooom. This is the noise of an IED or VBIED. These usually make the hair on the bad of your neck stand up knowing that there are very few of these that completely miss. The whistle followed by an explosion is one to bring fear of soldiers dieing. This is a rocket. Launched out of a neighborhood close by but just out of sight of the tower guards. The rocket streaks through the sky until it impacts its target. This one has taken several lives since we have been here. Last but not least is the cheapest and most frequent the mortar. The mortar makes noise when it leaves the tube and then does not give much warning until it impacts. Most of these however seem to be duds and fall harmlessly to the earth. Problem is you do not know whether it is a dud or not until it hits the ground. This unknown re-trains you at how to go from a standing postition to a position flat on the ground. These just some of the things that our "Neighbors throw over the fence at night". I am glad that they cannot aim.

Old man Running

This morning we had another Physical Training Test. Since my first days in the Military I have set high goals for myself in this area. I have always tried to pass this test at the 19 year old age group.(1988 standards) That means 42 pushups and 52 situps in two minutes and a 2 mile runtime of less than 1554. THis morning I felt age holding me down for the pushups and situps. Another goal that I had set for myself was to not quit until time was called. This is becoming tougher and tougher. As I heard the count on the situps I came to realize that my goal would not be achieved, a combination of no PT for my three weeks that I was home and the authentic enchiladas that I gorged myself on while home, I pulled more with my hands that with the stomach muscles targeted during situps. THis is when I felt it. A sharp pain from the back of my neck down my left side behind my shoulder blade. I managed 47 which at my age is passing but not my standard. Thankfully I had already done the pushups and only had the run to worry about. The pain seemed to subside a bit so I felt good to go. "Ready, set, go," My first 200 yards or so I set off in a dead sprint as I always do. This seems to improve my pace as well as my runtime. I noticed that I had a Lieutenant on my tail and I thought that there is no way I will let him outrun me. At the one mile turn around I noted that he seemed to be gaining on me so I stepped it out a little. Crossing the line at 1556 ahead of the LT or course. I circled and set out to pace my soldier. I noticed at the turn around that she had chosen to run with some one who does not usually do well on the test and something told me that she needed a quicker pace. I was right because when we crossed the line she was 9 seconds from passing. After walking it off a bit I got on my bike and rode home thinking only of more coffee and oatmeal(I love oatmeal). Sitting on the couch in front of the TV I felt the pain begin again. It was not long before holding my head up seemed to be a chore. I decided to go on Sick call and see if they had something to help. Tonight I will take a Muscle relaxer if the pain does not subside. The medic told me that it would make me "Loopy" and that I should wait till bedtime to take it. On my way back I begin to think that if I take this and am completly out of it and someone comes over the wall what would I do. My Mind quickly took me to an Andy Griffith episode when Barney shot himself in the foot. That would be very funny years later but not too funny right now. I guess that my old military body is starting to complain. Hopefully I will not need this pill as I do not take pills of any kind except my vitamins and an occasional aspirin when needed. Only time will tell.

No Sir, Thank You!!!

A Chief Warrant Officer, US Army Intelligence [retired] wrote this. He said that he had read much of my blog with interest, compassion, and understanding and in his case with far too many reminders of his experiences in Vietnam [1970-1971]. This is a quote from him "Your Mom asked about our [my] feelings with your serving in Iraq so honorably for our great country. You are to me a fellow comrade-in-arms, such camaraderie rather difficult for me to try to explain to your Mom. Just know your kin are so proud of you Jay! Thank you for your service! I am looking forward to someday meeting you and your family personally. May God take care of you!”

As I sat and read his message a tear began to form. You see I know what our country did to my "comrades-in-arms" upon their return from this particular war. It should be me telling him that I appreciate his service to OUR country. There is an unexplainable bond between all soldiers or former soldiers. Though many things change in the different generations of soldiers some things remain set in stone. The bond between soldiers is not soon forgotten and in many cases is Never forgotten. This bond is passed from generation to generation without being taught or explained. Sometimes the services seem to have a type of competition between them. You know which service is the best and that kind of thing. For example while on active duty we used to make fun of the long haired overweight National Guardsman but here we are all soldiers. Now being a Guard soldier I understand the differences. The British, the Australians we are all the same here to accomplish one job and will be till it is over. Here it is not who is the best but a combined force of soldiers focused and determined to get it done..

What I really wanted to say by all of this is "Sir don't thank me for what I do, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow up a free country without fear. Thank you for your service to OUR great nation. I salute YOU, and all other Veterans of the Military for without you I could not be Me.

Best Two Weeks of my Life

I received another news paper article from my parents today. My Parents take an article a week from the blog and send it to the news paper in their home town. Todays article made me think about a decision that I made not to put anything about home on the site. I had decided that this was my time but now I am thinking back and think it would be something nice for me to reflect on from time to time.

This was by far the best two weeks of my life. I remember arriving at the gate in Abilene. The excitement made my heart beat so hard that I was afraid that the rest of the people on the plane would hear it. My excitement was almost uncontainable and was definitely uncontrolable. I thanked the flight attendant and the captain and rushed off the plane. I remember seeing my sons first and my smile was so big that it hurt. Then my wife more beautiful than ever. She has been working out and had lost some weight. The hug was a long one that I could have held forever. My parents were there and the greetings were just awesome. I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. In all of the excitement I still remembered to wish my wife a happy birthday.

During my visit home I prayed daily that time would stand still. I did not want the days to end. The first night I fell asleep quite early. I did not want to sleep at all while at home but the three day journey took its toll on me. The first week we did nothing. We stayed together every waking moment in hopes to make up for some of the time lost. Russ graduated from high school the First Friday I was home. This was awesome. I made a promise to him that I would be there for his great achievement before I left knowing that it would not be an easy promise to keep. God was looking out for me and helped make this promise to be kept. After his graduation we went to the water park down by San Antonio. This has been an almost yearly ritual of ours for quite sometime. It was awesome. I came to realize that Todd was growing up. He had been too afraid to ride any of the rides the last time we went but this time he had no fear. We rode almost every ride there. We had to be told to leave as the park closed. During my time in country I had spent little to no money so we I arrived home I went on a spending spree that is not like me. It was well worth the time. Todds birthday was the day before I had to leave so I bought him a bicycle and taught him to ride it. As the days passed for me in Iraq I came to realize that I had not been there for him and spent lots of time with him showing him that I am his father and that I love him. I know he knew this but it seemed as if I did not feel it.
Well that is it in a nutshell. The time at home thankfully did drag by the first week felt like a month. The second week seemed to pass alot quicker but still we managed to celebrate the time together. Upon my return I was asked if there was one thing that people said when I was home that I did not want to hear what was it. I was quick to respond that so many people had asked "when do you leave?" This was something that I did not want to think about and tried to forget that I did have to leave. God watched over my trip home and made it happen on the dates that I wanted to be there. How many other people could say that they were home for two birthdays a graduation and a holiday. I am blessed.

Hodgie wearing Haynes

Well one thing that was nice here was laundry service. You can just put all of your stuff in a bag and turn it in to be washed. It is nice especially in these times with the water shortages. It is our option to inventory all items and list each item or just turn it in bulk. I have always chosen the bulk route as I HAD no reason to not trust these people. I started to notice several weeks back that I was low on my white running socks. I did not bring all the same kind. I brought some mid calf and some ankle socks. Now it seems that I am down to one pair of ankle socks and still have my mid calf socks. I think the folks doing our laundry have taken a liking to my Haynes socks. I as well liked my socks. Now I be there are 7 or 8 hodgies walking around with my socks on. I am quite sure they needed them more than I did but I would have gladly donated or even bought some to give to them so I would know that they would be taken care of without shorting me. Guess I will make my way to the PX and buy some more running socks. I wonder what else they have taken from me through the months I have spent here. Maybe I should start a clothing drive or something.

Sacrifice

As I sit here in the dark I wonder what I would know about sacrifice if I had not joined the military. Would I be one of the numerous people living in a free country protesting the war? Would I take my freedoms for granted as so many people do today? It seems that there are more people protesting in the northern states than in the southern states. Why is that do you suppose? I try to think of the sacrifices that these people could have possible made and cannot come up with any good ones. Sacrifice, giving up something without the desire to do so but in an effort to make something better. My definition. Is this definition defined by my life in the military or my upbringing and life experience? I can only remember a few sacrifices in my life prior to the military. My dad traveled quite a bit and this was a big sacrifice. I think his sacrifice fits my definition. Is this the only major sacrifice I would ever experience had I not enlisted? Now in 11th month of this deployment and our 6 month of being here I know that this sacrifice is one worthy of all that it entails. I have come to the conclusion that this is my life and will be for another 12 years till my retirement. I can handle all that is thrown at me because it has been tough here and if this can be handled then anything can. I sit and wait for the lights to come back on under a water shortage that is still in effect and think what it must be like on the other side of the wall. I am glad that I did not grow up here and that my kids will grow up in a free land governed by someone that WE the people put in office. In the past some bad people have been chosen to some of these offices but today I think that we as a country do a better job selecting who will run our country. Finally lights and back to work.

A gray point of light

Today is indepencence day. The day celebrated by Americans around the world. Red white and blue but today the world is gray. Visibility is about 100 yards then a thick haze limits anything beyond this. The mess hall was decorated in its usual holiday decor. It seems that everyone is enjoying the day except me. It seems that I have slipped back into a deep dark depression this time. With all of the things going on at home it is very hard to concentrate about this place. With all of the things going on here it is hard to think of home. Russ is going to have his stomach scopped on Tuesday to find out why he cannot eat right. The in-laws are sick. My wife is always down and feeling bad when I call. I make my calls upbeat so that it is not known what I am feeling so as not to bring her down to feel as I do. It seems that the "natives" have become restless again. The briliant fireworks of death are starting up again. And for the first time in a while my dreams have once again shifted to death in this country. I know that we are here doing the right thing and I will not shune those duties. It just seems to be like eyes wide open and then they slowly close as things close in around me and now I feel as if I can only see a pinpoint of light through my open eyes. The gray is closing in again and my fears are becoming constant once again. Depression sucks. I used to think it was just a state of mind and that you could just snap out of it. I am sitting here snapping away and nothing is changing. The feelings of hopelessness are multiplied by the day counters. The day counters annouce how many days or months are left on a constant basis making the days drag by slower and slower. Lord Give me strength and get me out of here soon, Make the days pass as there is nothing here that I care to remember when I return. Keep us safe and protect us. Amen

Supply Assistance

Today I spent the entire day teaching the system of supply that I have used for two years to another supply sgt. Upon arrival I checked out his accounting set-up or lack there of. There was paperwork everywhere in this book and that book and copies of everything made in triplicate and then a couple thrown in for good measure. The Supply SGT who handles this is on leave so I was asked to assist by the SGT who is taking care of business while he is away. I could see a little bit of effort that he had put forth to make things right but he just needed a push in the right direction. I have worked and refined my program for two years and I know that if I, like he were, were to have started the month prior to the begining of this adventure I would have looked a far site worse. Some people get dumped into jobs that they have no business doing and yet others just lack the know how to get this done on their own. I do not care for this person but I do not want to see anyone fail so I have volunteered to give of my time to help get things taken care of. It will take some time but I think we together can get him out of this hole.