Fear of another kind.

As I sit in the parking lot and ponder the next hour, my hands shake my stomach aches partially from the fact that I have not eaten all day and the upcoming "event". I start to sweat and think, “I can do it, I can do it". The fear is not of what I am about to do because I do this daily without hesitation or issue. It is the environment in which it is to be done. Since last week I have thought about this day, over and over milling it through my mind wondering if I had made a mistake by volunteering. It is so simple I tell myself yet I am terrified. I am talking about speaking in public. You see last Sunday at church I volunteered to give the "Welcome and the Opening Prayer". Both of which I am quite capable of without a doubt. I speak to God each night as I have for a couple of years now. I have no problem thanking him for the good in my life and asking for help with the bad. Tonight was different. I know that I did not completely blow it as I did stand up there and pray, but maybe I am “harder on myself than I need to be.” As for what I said I could not tell you because I do not remember. All week I had rehearsed for this so that I could flow through this with confidence. Each time I practiced I felt as if I was being told to “close my eyes listen to my heart and speak." This would have been fine in an empty room but there were people there. Now you are probably thinking of a large crowd of people. The feelings inside of me are the same with the ten that we had or with hundreds. When Johnny was killed I wrote a poem about him and his family. His widow asked me to read it at a vigil that was scheduled for that evening. In a way this was easier because I wrote it and then read it in front of almost a whole city. I did try to worm my way out of reading it. My brother in law not in these words exactly called me a coward. I could not let that go so I did it. Again it was like I was not there. I just did it and left. Tonight I think I started off okay but I lost something in midstream. My mouth became disconnected from my heart (where prayer comes from) and reconnected to my brain which was telling me that I was scared and that people were staring at me. This made for a very short prayer that I was not happy with. I do however hold some sense of achievement as I did stand up there and I did face a fear and I did do what it was that I needed to do. I do have intentions of doing this again but hopefully with full connection to my heart and no distractions of the brain. I fear public speaking more than I fear being in this country. It is strange to some that I could say this but others like me know of where it is that I come from. Fear faced. Goal Accomplished. Need Practice.

May God bless the soldiers and keep them safe from harm and may God bless our families and keep them safe as well for there are more people killed in any major US city in a day than are killed here in that same day. Lord help me to get over this fear because I know that this will help me become a better person and become closer to you which is where we all belong. I ask this in Jesus name Amen.