In Closing

With the choppers flying overhead and the gunshots in the distance I know we made a difference here. The first day we got here we were welcomed with mortars. I was standing in the shower when two of them hit entirely too close for comfort. Now about a year later I am still here still breathing As I sit here and think of home I think how awesome it will be to get there, to see family and friends again, family, not people in uniform, who share love and caring with other members of the family. I do feel some sadness as I feel that I will never in my life see this place again. I do not want to ever come here again but it is sad that I will never see it again. I imagine that many people go their entire lives without saying that they will never visit a place again. I can say with some certainty that I will never visit here again. It is kind of sad.

I have shared with you the past 18 months of my life, the fears the trials the new found strength through faith in God. I appreciate the concerns, the letters and the comments to my family. I feel now for certain that I will make it home and will go back to normal, but I find it hard to remember exactly what normal is. I know that my words helped me through the tough times experienced and can only hope that in some way they helped other families of deployed soldiers with their fears. They say that fear is showing weakness I say that fear is acknowledging weakness and admitting that you have some weaknesses. I have no doubt that fear is real and have learned many things through this trip on how to deal with it. As the “greatest adventure” of my life comes to an end I think back on the time and can only say one thing for certain. He left home, he spends time away, but for a good cause, one thing is for certain “He is a real soldier”.

Where in the world is small town USA?

I have been corresponding via email with a wonderful person who is much like me in many ways. I worked for her husband many years ago and now have found a new email pal. The following is an excerpt from one of her emails that makes me wonder what happened To Small town USA?

Even today, the people take food to the ones that don't have it, drive them to a doctor if needed, make repairs to their houses, and just generally see to the welfare of whoever needs help. It is small town America at its best and there are probably hundreds of towns that do the same things.

This is truly the meaning of small town USA. How many times have you been on the highway traveling and come across someone in need of help. Whether it be a tire repair or another vehicle repair. Do you stop? I do but only when I am alone. I sometimes feel that it is a danger to stop and render assistance to people but I know that I will be rewarded if there is no danger. I remember several years ago I stopped and helped a man change a tire on the hill leaving Brownwood. I noticed as I went by that an undercover police officer was pulled up beside a car with a flat. As I continued in the opposite direction something told me to turn around and go back. I did and to this day still reap the benefit of my assistance. As I pulled up behind the vehicle I noted that the other car was gone and that the older gentleman was struggling with the jack. I offered assistance and in no time had the tire replaced for them. The man’s wife and grandchild were in the car and they had shut it off because they were afraid it would fall off the jack. The lady was sweating and the grandchild did not look well. To this day I thank God for turning me around to render assistance and feel like the hand shake at the end was such a wonderful reward. As I recall the man offered payment and asked what he owed me. I told him a hand shake would do. What happened to people who were not afraid to help out someone in need. Small town USA has slowly disappeared. I am thankful that my father taught me compassion and love for my fellow man. I know that people today teach their children right and wrong but what happens after that. In an age where television is a big part of people’s lives maybe it is possible that we have come to fear society or people. Anyway I say this so next time you are flying down the highway enjoying the A/C and come across someone in need of help think one day it could be you in need. Bring back Small town USA ways of thinking and let’s make a difference one person at a time…

Gone fishin'

SEE YA WHEN I SEE YA and thanks for listening j

Thanks giving

Some people would think that a soldier far away from home would have problems around Thanksgiving. It really for me is quite opposite. The endless days and loneliness and the effects of these broken people recovering from 30 some years of atrocities in itself provides a great reason to give thanks. God has granted me the chance to help out people who at one time where to afraid or “beat down” to help themselves. I am thankful that I did what I did when I signed up. I am glad that I was given the chance to make a difference in my own little way.
From a distance I see my life back home and each day I become more and more thankful that I met my wonderful wife. Without my wife and kids I do not think I would be half the person that I am now. They have seen the “evil” in me and stood by me. They have supported me from a distance and will stand up for me in my absence. I feel as if I have given my oldest child all of the love and care that I could. I have examined and realized that I have neglected my youngest child.
I grew up in a home full of love. There was never any doubt that I was loved. All families have small issues that sometimes seem to consume them. The true families that make it through learn from these things and get by them as mine has and always will. Just as God forgives and forgets he expects us to do the same.
These things I have come to realize from a distance and I thank God that I have been given the chance to return home to the love of family and friends. Thank God for All things for without him we are but dust.

Time has not ended but life and Thanksgiving are endless…

"Let all Nations Rejoice"

Okay this is going to be one of my best blogs stories in a while. I know that I have talked about Maria. Well her name is actually Mariam. She has put in words to Mr. Bush how she feels about what he has done here. I will type it word for word into this blog and then try to scan it and post the actual hand written letter as a picture. Here is proof that we have made a difference.

To my hero
Dear President Bush
I am Iraqi woman my name is Mariam Farhan, I want to tell you I love you so much and pray for you every night because you give us the freedom we was prayer and waiting for someone come to take this nightmare away, we wait so long 35 years. And I want to tell you many Iraqi people they love you also but the are afraid to say that.
And before Multi-National-Force they come it was my salary 50 $ but now 500$ I can help my family better and I can eat better and I can wear better also. Thank you for everything you did for Iraqi people, thank you for your love to us, thank you for your care. “The Lord bless you and keep you, The Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you, The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace” Numbers 6:24,25,26


Be blessed
With Love
Mariam

As I read this tonight after church I was so amazed at the words that I read it out loud to everyone. God is Love and it shows.

A Scared Child

I was sitting on the couch this evening wondering what it would be like to be home. Home with my wife and kids. Home seems so far away yet we are one day closer to being there. In all this I came to the realization that I have some type of fear of going home. The lines below list some of that fear and from the thoughts of fear of coming home I turned it into a poem of sorts. Some of the things listed in the poem are fiction but some of the thoughts are real. Hope you enjoy. We have been so busy lately that I have not had time to write. Almost there.


I feel like that kid in school who went out one night and acted a fool.
As he puts the quarter in the slot he wonders about broken rules.
He makes the call to his dad and when he hangs up he feels oh so bad.

He cries:
Daddy I’m scared to come home. There are people in here but I am alone.
Before you come and get me can I ask you one thing
When you were my age did you do any of the same?

As he loads the last suitcase in the car,
He turns and looks back at his home from a far
Mom and dad I love you and gone

He calls:
Daddy I’m scared and alone,
I‘ve been thinking of coming home.
I feel so alone can I move back in?

On the plane gone to fight over the sea
Thoughts of home bring fears to light for me
Soon my dream will come true

He writes:
Daddy I’m scared to come home,
I’ve been away for too long.
What if when I get there I cannot remember who I am?


As the sharp pain fades from his thoughts
His eyes focus on the joys that they ought
He sees the light in his eyes

He prays:
Father take me home, There are people here who are all alone
Before you come and get me can I ask you one thing
Does it hurt knowing you gave your son for our shame?

A Chill in the Air makes me think of there.....

There is chill in the air tonight. A thought that time has finally passed, that just maybe, we can begin to think of home again. It is not time as of yet but we will not know until the last minute to continue to cast an inkling of doubt in the eyes of the enemy. The temperatures have begun to drop to a chilly 55 or so degrees at night. I know now that I am acclimatized as 55 degree is too cold to venture out without some sort of cold weather gear. Today the high was around 85 degrees but never seemed to really warm up. This happened all of a sudden. It was a quick change. One day it was 105 and the next it was cold. It blew in upon us and reassured us that we have been here for a while. The desire to get back to normal growing but trying to maintain some sense of reality that we are still here and not leaving anytime soon becomes a daily ritual. My dreams have returned to me. I sleep the whole night through but I must toss and turn as I wake up sleepy and groggy. Won’t be long but will be awhile.

Maria

I cannot remember if I have spoken of Maria in my blog before. Maria is the only woman member of our church service on Sunday evenings. She sits in the third row each Sunday and wears a veil covering her head during service. I did not know for many months what her nationality was I just assumed she was an American working in Iraq. When I learned that she was actually from Iraq I developed a list of questions that I wanted to ask her. I never asked her any of them because it just did not seem appropriate. These are just a couple of the questions I would have asked her given the chance. Question one: Have you been treated harshly for being a Christian here? I can only begin to imagine what it would be like to be a Christian living in this country. Think about it they would surely have to hide their bibles and read them in complete secrecy. People of the U.S. are permitted to read their bibles whenever and wherever yet so many bibles are dusty and new. I think of a basic training like ritual when it comes to her trying to read her bible at home. See in basic training there was a strict lights out policy at I believe it was 10 o’clock. After 10 the flashlights would come out and blankets would cover heads. Letters home were written this way, not because we were not allowed to write home but because this was the only time we had to do it. Can you a free citizen Imagine what it must have been like for a resident HERE in this country to study the bible. Things we take for granted.

The second question I wanted to ask was asked by a friend last night after service. The question simply put was do you think it will ever settle down over here.(the killing and bombings and such). Her answer was a quick yes. She said that not so much after the elections as after the trial. I personally was shocked at what she said next. She said once Saddam is killed that the country would become quiet once more. She explained how the bathists still believe that he (Saddam) will some how be freed and regain power once again. Once he is gone they will then begin to accept the new direction that the country is headed in.

The conversation continues, and I wondered how Jesus made his way to this country. It is strange but in my mind I just thought that Jesus only lived in the hearts of U.S. citizens. As my mind faded back into the conversation Maria exclaimed proudly that “Jesus is everywhere”. I have heard that all of my life but until this point had never really believed it, I guess. Jesus is everywhere! The Koran says something about once you are a believer of Islam you cannot be of any other religion. Yet there are Christians here. When asked if she thought Christianity would become stronger here she said that just in her home town or area, alone that there were maybe 500 to 1000 people who study the bible and believe, but quickly said that they would not tell anyone that, for fear of persecution. I hope that one day these people can study and believe as they chose to and can only hope that this in itself will not cause another Century of War…..

Go ahead and laugh, Man my toe hurts.

Throughout my blog I have talked of hitting the wall, well now I want to tell you about kicking the wall.

I stood on the median of the highway just outside of Baird Texas. The grass was green and the breeze was cool and blowing. I leaned on the back of my truck and was just admiring the world and reflecting on life, when I noticed a Rhino coming up the service road in my direction. A Rhino is a tan armored bus that resembles a Recreational Vehicle. As I followed this massive vehicle as it climbed the hill The M249 machine gun on the top came to life. As I checked the area I noted the target. The target was pigeons. Thousands and thousands of pigeons feathers flying everywhere. As the vehicle disappeared I quickly noted three Iraqi’s approaching me slowly. One of them was carrying an Ak-47 assault rifle. One of the other two leaned in and said something to the weapon yielding civilian at that he quickly turned and started firing into on coming traffic. Startled by the fired I grabbed my M4 rifle and began to load a magazine. As I slapped the magazine home one of the Iraqi’s grabbed my weapon and tried to wrestle it away from me. We struggled for a minute and then since I was unable to pull it from his grasp I decided to kick him. I rared back and kicked him with all my might. I was awaked by the sound of my foot crashing into the wall with a loud thud. I laid there for a second and then the pain hit me. In my odd dream I had struggled and then kicked the wall full force shoving my big toe far back in its socket. Now I am limping around and have actually been good for morale as I tell my story and let everyone enjoy the laugh. Man my toe hurts.

Still here

I know that I have used the title still here already once in my blog but it just seems so fitting to use it again. The things just do not seem to change any more. The reality is that I am begining to feel as if I live here and that there is no other place but here. I talk to my wife and kids and try to imagine home but really cannot. I am home at least for now. The days are numbered now but not sure how many are left. The rumors fly around but no one knows for sure and even if we did we could not say. I do know that all of the soldiers here are ready to return to their old lives whether or not they can remember them not mattering much. We all know as well that we may return to our old lives but we will never ever be the same...

just thinkin'

As you sit at home with fear in your head
A soldier lies alone somewhere in his bed
He hopes he can go home in his dreams at night
Happy thoughts of home that end at morning light

Life for him is slow and full of repetition
No one helped him obtain his position
See it cost them a signature to do what they do
Soldiering is not for everyone, is it for you?

Training for years and learning a job
Learning how to deal, with an angry mob
Praying that the training received will never be used
Praying that people will never be abused

Then one day it happens a call up and then fear
We wonder sometimes “what the hell are we doing here?”
This feeling does not come often or even everyday
Because we mostly know that we are showing the way

People are free in this country for now
Some want us to pull out I ask just how.
How could we leave them half trained and unaware
Pray for this country and their freedom to share

I, I mean we, will surely return
Sharing some stories about what we did learn
One thing for certain I tell you with pride
The people are thinking and do not wish to hide

Life love and happiness is freedom to me
I will return to my freedoms one day you’ll see..


SSG B

Scared of the Dark?

Tonight we (a couple of friends and I) were invited to one of the 1sg's house for dinner. He made steaks and potatoes with Brat wurst. It was awesome. After we ate and talked awhile we decided it was time to leave. We rode our bikes over with the sun up, but when we walked outside it was dark. We decided to go ahead and ride back to the house in the dark. As we began to ride it hit me that it was odd that we were riding in the dark, in a combat zone and then if you add the fact that we shadowed the exterior wall of the camp on the way homen well crazy I guess some would say. It has become common occurance. It is as if we are not in any danger. We hear the loud booms but can tell they are in the distance. Life here has become just that life. I think it is called complacency. The thoughts of home comings seem to outweigh the thoughts of danger. Well we made it home tonight just fine and I just thought I might share the interesting ride in the dark.. I do not think I would even do this dark ride in my home town at night.

Past Post updates.

As I sit here bright and early this morning (after 3 cups of coffee) I think back on this adventure. Things are kind of in a ground hog day pattern again. You know the “today is Monday yesterday was Monday” thing. It is getting monotonous and old. I re-read my blog and realized that I have not given some updates on some of the things I have talked about.

The inspections went well. I passed with flying colors. No deficiencies. I received a “Coin” for my efforts. A coin is an on the spot award for doing an outstanding job on something important. This was the first coin I had ever been awarded and it felt good.

Snuff, Copenhagen, dip, Tobacco: haven’t had any since the day I quit back in August I think it was. I am started to feel better about things and my mind is unusually clear. I have come to realize things are better without it. There are however days when it is really bad. The guy who sits at a desk right beside me tried to quit but failed. So I get to watch as he is constantly putting this nasty stuff in his mouth. Maybe this is a test to ensure that I never pick this habit up again.

In-laws. Both of my in-laws are doing better. They are both at home now and hopefully they will stay in good health for a while longer.

Russ is doing well in College. It is hard to believe that when this started he was a high school senior and now he is a college freshman. He seems to be doing very well and he is also working so he is finally getting a taste of life. I as a father could not be any prouder of him.

Todd struggled a bit through the first six weeks of school. Third grade is different and he must work a bit more than he did in years past. I think he is finally getting a handle on it. Todd and I are growing ever distant as he does not like to talk to me or anyone for that matter on the phone. There is an echo on the line when we talk and I know that he has a hard time with it as I do too. I cannot wait to get back home and spend time with the little guy.

Rosario is doing well. She is on a health kick that has me a bit worried. I have not been a very healthy person and now it seems my diet will change. I know that it is a good thing. I just hope that my favorite foods can either be made healthy and taste as good or that we can still enjoy them in moderation. I really love tacos enchiladas and big greasy hamburgers with bacon and cheese and well now I have done it. I have made myself hungry for something that I cannot get here. The mess hall has hamburgers but not like the one I am talking about. A double Whata Burger with cheese and all that good unhealthy stuff, with a chocolate shake for desert, large of course, now that is a meal.

Well that updates the blog for now. Hopefully some excitement coming up soon. If so I will let you know in here. Till then Pray for the troops especially the family of Steve Morin Jr.. Pray for families to be able to get over what has them torn apart from hurricanes to deployments let them all get back together as soon as it is possible. God bless j

Reality hits home

The boots were placed ever so carefully at the sides of the weapon. The weapon had the bayonet attached and it was barrel down in the special built box. The butt of the weapon had the Kevlar helmet on it place ever so carefully. The base of the box had a picture of a soldier whom I did not know but was my brother. His Identification tags hung from the pistol grip of his rifle. Hearts ached today for this lost soldier. The first combat death of a solider in our unit since World War II. The sadness and reflection of life whistled through my thoughts like a raging wind. I remember stand in the early preparation looking out upon the battalion and wondering if we would all make it back. Trying to memorize the faces of the soldiers so that I would know them if something like this were to happen. As the chaplain spoke he quoted a verse that I love to use. “No Greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for a friend”. This county is full of our friends and we defend them but some do not understand it. I hope that his wife and two children know what their father has come to mean to the soldiers of this unit. I hope that his family will be able to overcome the grief that they suffer and will manage to carry on with life. We will keep his memory alive as I am sure that his family will. The ceremony was really an awesome send off to a real soldier. TAPS was played and tears welled up in the eyes of soldiers. We have feelings too. The twenty-one gun salute did not startle us as it would have before our adventure began. Our senses numbed by the noises of this place in which we live. We see what we are here for and know why we are here and we know first hand that soldiers die here. The somber mood of the ceremony carried through for several hours afterwards. The sad reality of death was noted by all and this soldier’s memory will not be forgotten. I salute him and hope that he is seated with the Father in complete righteousness. Pray for his family.

Must be poetry week

I sat this evening and wrote this poem. I really have nothing to write about. Had an inspection last week and did very well. Have not had any nicotene since the day I decided to quit. So really nothing to talk about. Well nothing that I can talk about anyway. So hope you enjoy this one.

THE EYES OF A SOLDIER
His eyes told a story that no one could know
All day he would hide it so it would not show
The echoes of gun shots ring through his head
Sometimes he hates it when it’s time for bed

His life was changed, drastically, so it would seems
His friends die beside him right there in his dreams
He wishes to save them as visions sadden his brain
The fighting the enemy the jungle and the rain

As he wakes from his bed, in a cold, cold sweat
He says dear Lord please don’t take me, I ain’t done yet
His life he would give to his country, his home
But he is just not ready for God to take him home.

Soldiers have a bond that joins them for life
Not like a mother, a son or daughter or wife
The bond I speak of is indescribably strong
Civilians don’t understand it, but these bonds last long

The unit stays together through thick and through thin
The battles do come to us, everyday over again
The battles will rage long after the war
The people the buddies the minds so sore

One thing is certain the one thing the same
No one person gets credit no one takes blame
The country is where it is for us today
Because of the soldier who in the mud did lay

As the sand is blowing and our eyes burn
This is our war, our time, it’s our turn
So to all of the Veterans of all other Wars
We got your backs so battle no more

Let the sad times go let the battles that rage
Live your life to the fullest let God turn the page
And when God comes calling, he will call your name
Go with him forever and show no shame

For the greatest ones of our country were the men just like you
Who fought for our freedoms and the Red, White, and Blue

Enough is Enough.

Dear Mrs. Sheehan,

Congratulations on your recent arrest. I think you have finally achieved the ignorant notoriety that you were seeking. As I sit here and watch the news I wish there was a way to remove you from it. You in your loss have become the "mini fonda" of this war. I am sure that your son looks down upon you and is not pleased with what he sees. I pray that while all of this is going on here that your son is too busy to notice the bad name and shame you are bringing to his life and your family name. Ma’am your disgusting display of ignorance on the televisions of the world can only be described as pitiful.

The smile on your face brings sadness to mine.

I ask the Police dept that arrested you to keep you for as long as it takes for you to get over the sad loss of your son. Maybe some jail time will allow you the quiet time to reflect on what it is that you have done to the troops. Your demeaning display of “hated” for this cause is a terrible injustice to all soldiers serving anywhere.

Ma’am just go home, back to the life that you have wrecked in search of, answers?
You have successful lost your family twice I understand you lost your son to your first husband and then to the war. Please go home and quit trying to ruin other lives with your meaningless fight for….what is it this week?



Signed An AMERICAN SOLDIER
Jerry P Biggerstaff Jr
Somewhere Iraq

Even Soldiers Cry

As I cleaned my room tonight I came across a book on the bottom shelf covered in dust. Everything is always covered in dust. I picked it up and opened it. It was a journal that I had started before discovering the blog. It was written before we left on this adventure while driving 90 miles an hour home to see the family.

In his helmet he keeps a picture of his wife
To remind him of a happier time in his life
As a soldier of the risks he is aware
But also found someone with life to share

His kids are there as he turns to leave
He tries not to wear his emotions on his sleeve
He closes his eyes to fight off a tear
He smiles and waves and says "no fear"

Good-bye got harder and harder as the time drew near
Mission unknown His future unclear
Lives will change for better or worse
They say "We'll see you" he says not if I see you first

Love fills the air Emotion on high
Live life as a soldier never say die
Do the job you trained for never ask why
Live life as a soldier, even soldiers cry

Even Soldiers cry.........

Anniversary

Today I spent my second anniversary in a row away from home. I have been married 17 years and I remembered on my own but the day before. I did have to send out an email to verify the date because for the life of me I could not remember the month. I really felt bad about this and spent the better part of yesterday and today putting a video together for my loving wife. I wish there was a way to attach it to the site as I was very happy with the way it turned out. I love my wife and miss here dearly. What did I do for my anniversary? Well I went to church. I am going to watch NASCAR as well. I long to be at home with my family but cannot for some time longer. SO till then I’ll just pray that everything goes safely and quickly.

Maturity

There are kings and kids inside us all. The mature individual is one who can balance on that fine line between the two. One who can balance between the two might be known as a success but success can also be attributed to one who can successfully hide inner feelings. Kids and kings both have times that they might hide their inner most feelings. A kid might hide the fact that he took a cookie and got away with it or that he has a fear of the “dark”. Whatever the fear it seems best not discussed. The king does the same maybe with feelings of sending his soldiers into combat or other feelings. These feelings if not exposed can bottle up into an explosion. The balanced individual can speak about what is bothering him. Whether king or kid one might say that certain things must not be hidden they must be said. If the king tells the soldiers of his feelings of sadness about sending his soldiers into combat the soldiers would have a better respect for him. If the child does not get caught he will never tell on himself and will not learn the valuable lessons of life. There are kings and kids in us all. We need to let the king live and let the kids breath to maintain a balance in life.

Mr or Sir????

Awesome opportunity. I have the chance to apply for the job in the military that I have always wanted. I think I would be good at it. The problem is that I am unsure as to whether or not it is what I want to do anymore. The last year has clouded my judgment and made my outlook kind of weak. This job would turn me into one of the most respected ranks in the military in my opinion. I would become a Warrant Officer. This rank means simply put that you are the best in your field. I have seen good and bad Warrants during this adventure. However even the bad ones have their useful moments. I know that I could be a good one. I am stuck, as to what I should do. The problems are a move to the Big City of Austin, and the school. I am too old to go to a “basic training” type school again. What am I to do? I do not enjoy being yelled at. I do not have to be yelled at to get someone’s point. This is by far one of the hardest schools the military has to offer at my level. I just do not know. I do know that it is an all or nothing jump. The decision I make today I will have to live with tomorrow. I do not want to give up the house that I have put numerous hours of elbow grease and love into. The house that gives me so much pride when my wife says “I like my house”, but the prestige of becoming a Warrant (like Johnny) brings a great sense of accomplishment to my mind. Decisions Decisions. Lord I pray to you that you will help with the future of my family and help me with the decisions at hand. Assist me in making the right one.