Stage One

Stage 1
The trip had three stages the first stage being the longest. After what seemed like an eternity of riding in the truck we arrive at the first stop. As I sat and relaxed I began to realize things about myself that became all too unsettling. The first thing that popped into my mind was that at any point during this trip I could hear the words IED......... or not hear the words and just be dead, not living, no more. Gone, without life, history. These thoughts took me spinning like I was inside a kaleidoscope towards family and home. I saw my wife and kids standing over me looking down upon my lifeless body crying. The flag draped casket looking ever powerful. I began to understand things about life that I had never pondered before. The complaining and whining that I had done since arriving in this country all boiled down to just one thing whining. These guys, two in front and one on top in the gunner position do this everyday. They load up and drive these “highways of death” without complaint without talk of death. They just do what they have to do and try to enjoy it as much as they can. I salute these real Heroes and real soldiers for I am just a small part of the game and they are a big part of the Success of this adventure. Death, fascinating, wondering if what we believe is really there, or if we just die into blackness. These things would haunt me for the next several hours. As we drove quickly through the darkness, I noted that the roads had no stripes. It was just as black as the night, hard to see at times. As we drove we crossed from the southbound lanes to the north bound and back again. This in itself was scary. How about stopping on a dark highway blocking traffic watching as the vehicles approached? The gunner on top is responsible for stopping traffic using any method necessary. This time he only had to use his spot light to light up the cab of the trucks or cars and they would hurriedly pull off the road and turn off their lights. They know that the military is not a force to be reckoned with. We could see the convoy lights but they seemed to be fading and then they disappeared. We made a hasty u-turn. Not a TV u-turn as the up-armored HUMMV is like a tank and seems to me to be really top heavy. We headed back. As we were headed that way a voice reported that we had a truck with a blown engine. One of the HUMMVs was stopped with the hood up and soldiers scrambled all over to find the source of the massive leak. Being a mechanic I knew that it was not the engine but did not look at it. They quickly hooked up a tow bar and got it ready to tow. I stood on the side of the highway in utter disbelief. The darkness, the thoughts of be-headings instinctively put my hand on my 9 mm as I scanned the darkness beyond the glare from the flashlights. There was a sense of urgency among the others but none had shown one ounce of fear. I think that was my job. I did not show it to them but I did not do a lot of anything just scanned the darkness for the enemy. Thankfully I did not see anything and we were loaded up and off to the races again. For the next 30 minutes or so I sat and listened to my heart slow from a pound to a regular heart beat again. To think at any minute within the last 3 and half hours I could have ceased to exist. Makes life matter so much more. These guys do this kind of thing 5 or 6 times a week and I complain about what I do??? Do I really have room to do so?? So we get to the end of stage one.

the Road Ahead

27 August 2005
What happens next will keep you on the edge of your seat…..As It did me for some 36 hours. No flight to the CITY till Tuesday so the only alternative to get me back to work is Convoy through no mans land. I have wanted to get out of the walls for a while but not sure that this was exactly how I wanted to spend my time. So I get it set up and make contact with a seasoned young Staff Sergeant. His look was that of pride and it was obvious that he demanded respect from his troops and that he was given full respect. He told me what seat I would be riding in and I set out getting my stuff ready. I had already “acquired” (great supply word) extra ammo. I was carrying only a 9mm but I had 100 rounds for it. I had plenty of ammo but I was not ready for the road ahead. I am not sure if one could ever be ready for the road ahead.

Spent a week there one night...

26 August 2005
I have waited 3 days to get out of here. This place is hell. I thank my God in Heaven that I did not get the mission to stay here as this would have surely been “drawing the short straw”. I really appreciate what I have been provided after seeing this. Living in trailers or tents they do have AC but they just do not have it as good as we do. Tried numerous times to schedule a flight, even tried to fly with the Aussie’s but to no avail. (This is the account of the airport on 26 August) Flight was scheduled to leave at 1930 so we had to be at the airport 2 hours early. So here we are sitting in the sunlight waiting. Only 6 people headed back to the CITY. We load the bus and head off down the road to the plane. Upon arrival at the plane the bus driver got out and talked with the crew. They said that the plane was broke and that it would be an” HOUR”. So back to the terminal, more sitting in the sun in the ever popular “hurry up and wait status”. As I sat there I knew the outcome that we would be faced with that evening and even shared it with a couple of other would be passengers. “You do know that we are not flying tonight? Right?”
“You really think so” he said. Yep (I hate being right sometimes and this was one of those times.) Delayed till 1000 delayed till 1100 delay till 345am. “Check in at 1200” So we grabbed a cot and caught a wink or two. I rose at midnight and made the trip back to the counter in the terminal and was finally told “Flight canceled”. I smiled and turned and walked away cursing all the way to the door internally but I had known this all along. After speaking with one of the other passengers we returned to the terminal checked on other flights going to the CITY. “Nothing till Tuesday we were told”. So we scheduled a flight to another location and from there we were hoping to catch a connection. Flight time 1000 am with a report time of two hours prior. So we walked to the mess hall and ate and made it back to the terminal for some much needed rest at around 2 or 3 am. Wake up check in and board the bus. This time we load the plane and wait for take off. Flight time to the alternate destination approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes. Woohoo we are taking off. In-flight the Load masters keeps coming to my side and looking out the window. What’s the deal I wonder? Little did I know that this question would be answered soon enough and much to the dismay of all passengers on-board? Now you might think that the plane is going down or something like that well after 1 hour and 30 minutes we land. We taxi for awhile and then the back door opens to reveal……………..The same damn place we just left from…..I was Steaming mad. Apparently the plane was broke when we took off and I guess they wanted to see if it would fix itself in flight? Heck I don’t know but I do know that we flew over halfway to where we were going and then turned around and headed back………….. Upon arrival at the counter to find out what we were supposed to do “a nice air force lady” (sarcasm) told us not to go to far because if they called to re-board we would have to be ready on a moments notice. By this time I am steamed and told them that I was leaving and going to eat and if the damned plane was gone with I got back then so be it. Wanting to say more but biting my tongue as I am just short of the middle of the totem pole. So I left and grabbed some food and came back and the plane was still there of course and I was full and feeling a bit better. Well this story has been too long already so lets shorten this up by saying the FLIGHT WAS Cancelled.

Still just a peanut....

23 August 2005
Day 1 mission complete… I thought it would take at least two days to accomplish the mission as I have heard rumor of who I would be dealing with when I arrived and have been told that this individual does not know his job. I know my job and also know his so I did his part too and he could not help but sign as his part was finished too. The proficiency at which the tasks were accomplished surprised even me.( pardon me while I toot my own horn) When you’re good they call you “Cracker Jack” but I am still just a peanut…..ha………………..ha…………..

What no stewardess????

22 August 2005
As I sit here in a C-130 (airplane) with Blackout lights on I am not worried. I have not let myself worry for sometime now. I know that I will go home when it is time and have not feared death in a while. The last trips were bothersome but this one is “fly down there do the job and fly back”. My dream of flying on a Blackhawk helicopter on hold for a while as there were no “helo” flights down to where I am going, so for now I sit in the belly of this beast sweating profusely awaiting for take-off. I sure hope the Air works because it is hot in here. I have been told that return flights are hard to get so a convoy may be in my future as a ride back to my temporary home in “the CITY”. For now C-130 nose down coming in for a landing. The pilots go nose down and drop out of the sky so they maintain a maximum altitude while over no mans land in case some one might shoot something at us. Well, one hour fifteen minutes south and very uneventful. At least to us inside this big beast but no telling what is going on outside the plane as we fly over no mans land. No in-flight movie no peanuts just hot and loud............... touchdown.

This is what soldiers do

Well I am back in the office now. In order for you to fully appreciate where I have been and what I have been up to you will have to read the rest of the blog. This will be a long drawn out story as you will see. I met some heroes and did some things that most soldiers would never do given the choice. This was a choice that I made and I am the wiser for it. Just so we understand. I do not intend to scare anyone this was something I needed to do and made it through. So please don't tell me I told you so…………..

Memorial

I walked in the PX last night and stopped right in my tracks inside the front door. Right in front of me was a tall plywood memorial to soldiers killed in this area. Oh this list was the name of my wife's nephew Johnny V. Mata. A soldier had spent time painting each name on this sign. I believe this was done in the early stages of the war. What a great thing to do to help soldiers remember the names of the soldiers not just the number of dead.

"Out of Office Reply"

As I sit on the tarmack at the "airport" I think back on the fears that I carried when I arrived in this country. I had a fear of flying on a military aircraft, with all of the military flights that I have been on since arrival this is just another plane ride. I was afraid of death but have come to realize that this fear is not necessary because in death I can achieve "Eternal Life". As the plane learched forward and builds to a take off speed I look out the window into the dark Iraq night. I wonder if this could be my last trip. The walls had closed in completely and I had to get out. The only trip that I look forward to is the trip home to be with family. For security reasons we cannot say when this day will come but I do not think that anyone knows for sure. All I know is one day I will return home.

Rambling

There once was a soldier named J
He was sent to Iraq one day
As he worked and did what he could
He came to understand what others should

Freedom life and happiness ain't free
All things in life come with a fee
The fees for these things were paid with a flood
Of Patriots, soldiers and forefathers blood

The prices paid by the soldiers for men
Have allowed them to protest once again
They want their freedoms yet they make us feel shame
I don't speak for all but know some feel the same

So we put on our faces and do what we do
We do it for them as we do it for you
Our nation was built from the blood of the man
And bring it down you won't but try yes you can

If you don't agree with what we do
and refuse to go fight
I say you sneak away in the middle of the night

Never return here to the Red White and Blue
Cause if you return an Ass kickin' will be waitin on you.


Okay enough i think I might have some really bad stuff to say next so THE END....

No regrets

Dear Mrs. Sheehan,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I, too, have lost someone in the war. It saddens me that so many of our young soldiers are dying in the war. I, however, believe that you are not bringing pride and honor to your son’s death. He died doing something that he knew could happen. He signed the paperwork under his own free will.

By questioning the President you are slandering your sons name right along with that of Mr. Bush. I don’t pretend to understand all of the feelings that you are experiencing. I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a child, much less in a war. I can tell you that I do feel your loss as the numbers of soldiers go up.

I have a few questions for you:

One: What is your relationship with God? To question death is to question God. Your relationship with God can and will help you to get over such a great loss. Your son was an Honorable man who fought and eventually gave the ultimate sacrifice for his country. The reason he was in Iraq fighting was so that you could camp out on the highway and voice your opinion. Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Two: What do you hope to achieve by what you are doing? I know that you realize this but let’s just say that you do actually have something that you hope to achieve. I try and think of what you could possibly accomplish. Do you want the soldiers out of Iraq? Is that it? So we pull out and wait? Wait for another terror attack? Maybe this time the terrorists will kill more Americans and people will then, and only then, understand what Mr. Bush is trying to do. Stop it (terrorism) before it gets to bad to stop.

Three: What if you lived in Iraq and were treated by a tyrant as these people were treated? If you lived in Iraq and camped out on the side of the road leading to Sadamns house and protested, you would be dead by weeks end. Instead (of volunteering), your son would have been locked into the military. Then you would have to question why.

Mrs. Sheehan, my name is Jerry Biggerstaff, Jr. I am a soldier deployed to Iraq. The sacrifices that soldiers (may be called upon to) make are a known possibility when we sign the dotted line. You son was an honorable man and will always have a place in my heart.

Good luck talking with the President and I hope that you can see what it is that you are doing. You have successfully pulled the cowards out of the woodwork. Not all, but some of your supporters will not fight for their country, but against it, rather than defend it like OUR forefathers did. It sickens me as a soldier to see what you are doing there, while we do what we do here. This life is but a stepping-stone in the grand plan.

I hope that the sad reality of your son’s death will not continue to overshadow the awesome reality of what he did for his country and the country of Iraq. I believe “Gods Signature” is all over his actions.

Ma’am, I would like to recommend that you pack up and go home and praise God that he gave you a son and allowed you to spend the time you did with him. I will continue to do what I do and hope that you will eventually find your peace and then begin once again to enjoy YOUR FREEDOM.


SSG Jerry P Biggerstaff
Somewhere, Iraq

More Pets

Here kitty kitty kitty. This morning I opened the door to the supply room and there it was on the shelf straight ahead. I cat sized thing that quite frankly scared the shit out of me. It was the biggest RAT I have ever seen. His eyes looked at me as if to say I ain’t afraid of you. He was quick too. I chased the thing around the supply room for a bit and then left it alone. This thing was huge. His tail was just a little bit smaller than the thickness of a pencil. We have been having troubles for a couple of days. The supply room does not have a lot of food items in it like we have at the “house”. But they have not come to the house. I don’t think that they can get in. These things are not little tiny mice. They are so big that they cannot get under the door.

We spent the day patching holes in the walls and the openings around the Air conditioners. This was the place of entry for some of these “loveable little demons”. We used to fish a lot but had quite for a long while yet the bate was still disappearing. We were able to get a case of slim Jims and had been using them as bate. We had them outside on the top of the fireplace/burn pit. This is a good place to keep them away from mice. But at only 4 foot off the ground I think the RAT just stepped up there with one step. We set a trap and bated it with you guessed slim Jim. Hopefully tonight we will get it and get it gone. We have removed 2 so far. One of my roommates did not want to kill the first one so I did it and then we threw it in the water and the fish ate it. Disgusting. Next night another one, this time he was good and stuck to the glue trap so he was thrown into the lake alive and yep you guessed it the fish ate it. I have become very aware that if I were to fall into this water that I would flail around and quickly get out, to make sure that the fish did not feast on me because I think they are flesh eaters. This place is off the chart, out there backwards odd.
First the scorpions, then it was the wild dogs/ coyotes, then possibility of Cobras, of course the never ending supply of flies, then the “Man eating fish” and now well now it is the “Kitty Rats”. What is in store for us next month? Flying elephants??????????

Bad Habits Form

Well It has been, I don’t know how long since I had a dip. I have not had a patch on my arm in several days now. I am beginning to think that I have finally quit for good. Problem is when you give up one bad habit you seem to develop others. I am up to a pack a day. My mouth gets dry, my lips twitch and the desire to have a dip is just so overwhelming. So I open a pack and by days end it is gone. I know that this habit is just as bad for me as the other but there are just some habits that are so hard to quit. So I guess now I will need to cut back on that habit because it is making my jaws sore. I am talking about chewing gum what did you think I was talking about. Gotcha.

Black Eyed People

There once was a family who lived far, far away. This family was very poor and could barely manage to feed themselves. They lived a sad miserable existence. It was a daily thing for them to pray that the water would come on that day or that they would have power all day. The children were dressed in whatever the parents could find for them to put on. Their clothes looked as they came right out of a dumpster perhaps discarded by another family who was better off. The home that they lived in was a small place more than likely deserted by its owners some years earlier. The poverty level of these people was not fully due to the lack of jobs in the area for there were jobs to be found, rather due to the miss-handled funds sent to the government for these people. The family of which I speak is actually a country full of people just like this. The contrast of rich and poor is ever apparent by the Palaces built by the leader of this country. The Palaces tower over the poor rundown neighborhoods of his people. I ask this question if the man was running his country with the values of a human being then why was it necessary to build 10 foot walls around his home? Why was it that his people feared him and why was it necessary to protect him from his people? Some say that we should not be here doing what we are doing. I ask you if this “Family” lived in your neighborhood would you just let them be there and not lend a helping hand? Day after day you watch as the small figures walked by with dirty faces and smiled up at you as if to say “help me”. If your answer is that you would just let them be then you need to read the good book. People were put on this earth to help with the bullies of society. I do not believe that we are the world police nor do I think that everyone believes this. I, however believe in right and wrong and freedom. The freedoms of these people have been taken from them and with it their will to fight and survive. In life when you have been beat down so many times it is hard to stand again. Hard that is without help. The helping hand that we are providing these people is one that I believe, in the Eyes of God will bring blessings on the United States and the soldiers who came here to defend the inhumanities inflicted on these people. The Iraqi people just want to survive. They want what all of us want, a better life for them and their children. We have helped usher in a new era of happiness for them but sooner or later it will be up to them to defend themselves. Sometimes a little training and or help from a friend can defeat even the fiercest of bullies.

Quick Trip

Finally late last night after talking to my wife(mother-n-law is in the hospital again), I laid my head down and fell fast asleep. It was about 1 am when I was awakened by my room mate who told me that my clerk had arrived at the airport. She had been home on R and R for the last two weeks. So I got dressed fired up the Hummv and made my way to the airport. This place is kind of peaceful at night when things don’t go boom. Just as I get fully relaxed it hits me that I am in a combat zone and not on a leisurely drive to DFW airport. Fully aware of my surroundings I stepped a little harder on the gas and was a little more cautious on the trip. The airport is in the “safe Zone” I thought but any more my definition of safe is not the same as other peoples. From start to finish with some driving techniques learned by watching too much NASCAR I made the full trip there and back in 1 hour 10 minutes. I even had enough time to miss my turn into the airport. Hopefully tonight will be a full night of uninterrupted sleep. I tell you I think I slept better when I was using the patch than I have in a while. Restless Nights in this country are common place and the soldiers talk of it all of the time. How can one be so tired yet not be able to sleep?

T. G. I. Monday (again)

Another manic Monday. Did not sleep worth a damn last night. I went to bed at around 10:30 and woke up every 15 minutes till 4 am. At 4 am the Generator that powers everything went out. The A/C went off and it got warm in a hurry. So I have been up since 4 am but feels like I have been up all night. Well due to the fact that there was no power it was quite difficult to make coffee so I started my day by eating at the Chow hall. Their coffee is horrible but it works. Prior to this I used some of the abundance of baby wipes sent to us by everyone. We have enough baby wipes to last for years. The water around here is controlled but electric pumps and with no electricity you guessed no water. So I shaved and brushed my teeth with bottled water. Okay so here I sit smelling like a baby behind and feeling sticky, Thanking God that they finally got the power back on. And in case you are wondering it is Wednesday the third Monday of the “normal” work week.

Just a little Boom

After Church yesterday several of the members went to eat at the chow hall. I usually try to go with them as I have come to realize that our chow hall is by far the worst in this country. As we sat and talked of home and family the rumble of the chow hall was interrupted momentarily by an impact outside. Most people have come to accept this as "normal" and continued eating shortly after. I glanced to the window in the direction of the noise and saw a plume of dirt flying high into the air. I too have come to accept this as normal. They deal death from afar and hope that it hits a "money" target. This one was off but not by much. God has protected us for one more day.

Quest for Reality

My present feelings are kind of like being in a small backyard with ten foot walls all around. I can hear the commotion outside but don’t know what it is. Upon arrival I did not care what it was but now curiosity has begun to overtake me. I do want to know what it looks like where these people live. I have seen their children as they visit the towers almost daily but where do they live. They say that it is really close to us here but I cannot see it. I do not want to risk harm but I also do not want to stay “locked up” for the rest of time I am here.

While we worked this morning we heard the terror and death from over the wall. The helicopters circled this way and that. There were 6 choppers out this morning and I am quite sure that the news stories tonight will tell the tale of death and destruction and of a hard to find enemy. With all of the BOOMS and WAWOOMS I can almost feel the death toll rise. I cannot remember what the toll was when we arrived but I know that it was far below the 1800 that we have surpassed now. As I think about these soldiers and their families I feel a sense of loss for them but it does not change the fact that I want to see what it is that we are here to defend and give a better way of life. I would just prefer to get on the “Freedom Bird” and head home but the job is not complete yet and home will just have to wait. So I wait and feel the walls close in around me. I tell myself soon, “Soon I will do something to send the walls back to their original size.”

Rascal Flats and off on a tangent

As the beads of sweat rolled down under my uniform it began to soak my t-shirt. As I sit and watch I see the duct tape turn loose from the stage in the heat. Today Rascal Flatts was here to sing for us. It was a good performance a little short but these guys have not been in this heat for as long as we have. One of them opened up by saying "welcome to hell" and then corrected himself by saying that "it is 14 degrees hotter than hell here". He also said that now he knows what hell is like and he is going home to get right with the Lord. This was a crowd pleaser as we know that it is hot but have adjusted to it. They sang their songs for us and gave out some free CDs. This was another awesome thing. I don't know if they get paid for coming here to do what they do but no matter I am sure it is not enough. The show was an awesome testimony of how our presence here is effecting people back home and it feels good to know that we are cared about by many. The ones who don't support us or the President can pack up and leave the country that we defend. One thing that sickens me is Jane Fonda at it again. Who else is she going to piss off before she dies? I volunteer to give this woman a ride. A ride out of the country which she has betrayed and away from the veterans who cringe at the site of her on TV. She needs to disappear back under the rock from which she came......All MY opinion of course.
I do believe that people can be forgiven just not traitors to our nation and soldiers.

Moods

16 days without a dip. I am now using this little bitty patch with only 7 mg of nicotene. I am at this point very much ready to take the head off of anyone who disagrees with what I say or anyone who tells me what to do. I need to stay away from people for a couple of weeks.

Military Spouse

Do you know how to tell a military spouse from any other spouse? The military spouse is the one who when mad at the children yells, " Don't make me email your father". haha Well last night was round three of long distance car/truck repairs. The email said the it just goes click click click and will not start, but it can't be the battery because the radio works. I love my wife and my oldest son but they have no clue about how a vehicle works. After sending an email responce, I logged onto IM and saved us about 30 or 40 dollars if not more. Chevrolet has some quirks. One is that darned side post battery that always corrodes over time. Step by step I gave an in depth description of exactly how this repair was to be done. From the "Hood won't open" to the bolt is stripped out, my oldest son with my guidance has read the instructions and carried them out. Last night was a simple repair it went from Click click click to Vroom Vroom. I have heard stories of soldiers walking their wives or oldest kids through all kinds of repairs at home. From electrical to plumbing. If something is going to break it will do it when the one with the most knowledge of it is gone. Soldiers, Repairmen, Husbands and Dads we touch on a little bit of everything just making that bond of love grow stronger.

Fear of another kind.

As I sit in the parking lot and ponder the next hour, my hands shake my stomach aches partially from the fact that I have not eaten all day and the upcoming "event". I start to sweat and think, “I can do it, I can do it". The fear is not of what I am about to do because I do this daily without hesitation or issue. It is the environment in which it is to be done. Since last week I have thought about this day, over and over milling it through my mind wondering if I had made a mistake by volunteering. It is so simple I tell myself yet I am terrified. I am talking about speaking in public. You see last Sunday at church I volunteered to give the "Welcome and the Opening Prayer". Both of which I am quite capable of without a doubt. I speak to God each night as I have for a couple of years now. I have no problem thanking him for the good in my life and asking for help with the bad. Tonight was different. I know that I did not completely blow it as I did stand up there and pray, but maybe I am “harder on myself than I need to be.” As for what I said I could not tell you because I do not remember. All week I had rehearsed for this so that I could flow through this with confidence. Each time I practiced I felt as if I was being told to “close my eyes listen to my heart and speak." This would have been fine in an empty room but there were people there. Now you are probably thinking of a large crowd of people. The feelings inside of me are the same with the ten that we had or with hundreds. When Johnny was killed I wrote a poem about him and his family. His widow asked me to read it at a vigil that was scheduled for that evening. In a way this was easier because I wrote it and then read it in front of almost a whole city. I did try to worm my way out of reading it. My brother in law not in these words exactly called me a coward. I could not let that go so I did it. Again it was like I was not there. I just did it and left. Tonight I think I started off okay but I lost something in midstream. My mouth became disconnected from my heart (where prayer comes from) and reconnected to my brain which was telling me that I was scared and that people were staring at me. This made for a very short prayer that I was not happy with. I do however hold some sense of achievement as I did stand up there and I did face a fear and I did do what it was that I needed to do. I do have intentions of doing this again but hopefully with full connection to my heart and no distractions of the brain. I fear public speaking more than I fear being in this country. It is strange to some that I could say this but others like me know of where it is that I come from. Fear faced. Goal Accomplished. Need Practice.

May God bless the soldiers and keep them safe from harm and may God bless our families and keep them safe as well for there are more people killed in any major US city in a day than are killed here in that same day. Lord help me to get over this fear because I know that this will help me become a better person and become closer to you which is where we all belong. I ask this in Jesus name Amen.

The kids are okay physically

Remember in an earlier posting I told of the Iraqi children who were injured. They had been burned. Well today my friend was allowed to accompany a group going out into that same neighborhood. He was asked to do so that he might stop in and check on the children. The children were burned as a punishment by their father. In this society the women do the work and the men well I don't know what they do. So when a husband gets mad at his wife it could be the children who suffer for it. The husband does not want to injure the wife because she has to do the work. It saddens me to think that there are people in this world who think like this. These children will undoubtedly grow up and think that this is the way in is supposed to be and do this to their own children. Sad Good news is that the kids were okay and did not appear to have suffered any lasting effects.

BOOK

I have been reading a book about the early stages of the war and the Marines who were sent into battle. This book is a great mix of passion, war and religion. Some of the events talked about in the book are so unbelievable that it takes on an almost fiction feel. While other pages brought tears to my eyes. (Real Men don’t cry. Yeah right) The concept of love for God by these Marine’s is shown in depth and very detailed in this book. It is an inspiration to all Soldiers, Sailors and Marines everywhere. It has made me want to be a better person as well as a better Christian. In a combat zone hands bloody and dirty, but their knees were bent and Marines prayed and found Christ, a coming to Christ where water from the Chaplains canteen was used to baptize the soldier into the family of God. The excitement and Peace I have felt over these past few days, are greatly because of this book. The powerful message has to be experienced not shared. So pick up a copy and read of the true heroes and of “A table in the Presence” by LT. Carey H. Cash

Blah blah Blah Still here Blah Blah Blah

I have been a peace since the last time I wrote. I don't know but it just seems that nothing bothers me right now. I talked with a soldier in the chow hall who I know does not like me and we have avoided talking. I can't explain it. I put some thought and effort into a video and am putting lots more thought and effort into another one. I started reading another book. This one is about a Navy Chaplain who entered this country during the first days of the war. These were the true heros not me in my little house here. The heros of this world in my mind are the ones who got here first and the ones out in the streets everyday staring in the face of danger. My eyes have seen some very dangerous things here but none SO FAR have been directed at me. I am just here peaceful and at ease with everything around me. I got really involved in my book and when my friend came in I wondered why he was in uniform. I quickly snapped back into this world as I had been in my own little world while reading. I joked and carried on with family while IMing last night. The guys who got here first did not have that luxury. They only talked when they got the chance which was monthly at best. We do what we do and we volunteered to do it. Sometimes these things are overwelming but right now the feeling of peace is wonderful. I hope it will last.

Fact or Fiction You decide cause I believe

I do love to fish. I have spent numerous hours fishing when time permits. The fish here are strange. They have some seriously strange fish. There are lots of carp but the ones that I am talking about have the heads of a catfish and the tail of an eel. Okay not too exciting. The interpreters tell stories of horror surrounding the goings on before our occupation. It has been told by several people about Sadamns sons house. This house is down the street and around the corner. Well it was a house now it is a couple of walls with holes throughout. Hooah USA. Local people have told us that on the back porch the son kept a chipper. The ones that are used for cutting up tree branched into mulch. When a person was murdered or killed for whatever sick reason their bodies were loaded into the chipper. The chipper faced the water so the remains were sent out into the water. The fish here do not much care for bait. They biggest fish are caught here with steak from the mess hall and raw steak works the best. We also fish with slim jim beef jerky sticks. I did not know why the fish did not like lures or bait until I was told this story. Now I refuse to fish here for I do not know what I am pulling out of the water and have no desire to touch a fish to remove it from my hook.

Another fact or fiction story told by an Iraqi woman interpretter is the story of Sadamns second wife. Sadamn had a servant woman who thought that Sadamn might like one of her friends. So she introduced them. Soon after Sadamn took her as his second wife. This infuriated the son. There was a party at his house which the servant was working. The son took the woman outside and beat her to death for the introduction. I after being here for the time I have do not doubt that these stories are true. The sickness of this family is over and now I pray that these people will come out and live on their own and one day learn to defend themselves instead of hiding in fear.

Return of Jesus Part II?

What is going on in the world today? Attacks in London then again and now Eygpt. Who are these terrorists and where do they come from? People willing to kill themselves and take others with them. Maybe we should not call them terrorists. They do strike terror in people but they usually don't live through it. I had a name for them but I probably should not put it here. Maybe we can call them suicidal bombers or ummm maybe cowards. They are in such a hurry to see their God so why don't they all get together and send each other and leave the rest of the world alone. I am thinking about buying a Koran before I leave here. I just want to see where it says to kill as many people as you can and you will be rewarded in....is it heaven that they think they are going to or hell. The begining of the end. That does not sound right but unfortunately I believe it is right. I have read Revelations but for the most part did not understand it. I am begining to believe that this is turning into a religious war. Not the one we fight here but a combined war being fought by many countries throughout the world. The world is going to the dogs. Colorado on fire people missing fathers stabbing their own children and the temperatures in the world rising every year. As I sit and listen to a mother tell the murderer of her daughter that she wants him to disappear into an abyss and never be heard seen or prayed for by anyoneever again, I wonder what will happen tomorrow. Is the entire world headed in this direction. I am not much on biblical quotations but I know that God leveled cities in scripture for sins less than the ones being carried out throughout the world today. Now I do believe that no sin is greater than another but there has to be a line. It is said that "he who is without sin cast the first stone". I live life like that but......but there should be a line. Killing, attempted murder, suicide bombings should be listed above all. These are crimes againist God as well as man, but if you don't believe in God..........then what. A sign I read at a church said it best. It said "Get Right or Get Left." Since God controls everything then will armagedon be his way of cleansing his people once again. The movie with Bruce Willis comes to mind as well. Does anyone think that we could stop something like that? Another question is would we want to?

The Combat Patch

Today I had to take the rest of the soldiers uniforms to the cleaners to have the "Patches" sewn on. The patch of which I speak is the combat patch. This patch is awarded a soldier serving in a combat zone for a certain period of time. Some soldiers spend there entire careers without even getting one. It seems today that most soldiers will have one before they have ten years of service. There are several patches that can be worn. The Unit patch on the opposite side of the uniform can be worn as a combat patch or the unit to which you are attached to may be worn. One of the "big guys" in our brigade decided to make a rule that everyone knew was not right and could not be enforced. He put it out that no one was allowed to wear any patch other than the unit patch. This made alot of soldiers mad and then did not sew a patch on their uniforms. Some did as we felt as if we were being forced to do so. Don't get me wrong I have utmost respect for the division to which I am assigned but Do not like the fact that this Patch is being shoved down my throatt. I decided that if he did force us to sew this on I would not wear a combat patch at all. Well some one decided to complain and complain big. Next thing you know the order was resinded and now we are authorized to wear whatever patch we want. So I have returned back to the idea that I would sew on 2 and 2 on my 4 sets of uniforms. This shows respect for both units, the one I am assigned to and the one we support. Seems kind of petty as it is just a patch but it seems that the petty things mean so much when you have nothing else to think about.

The Patch

Today I had to take the rest of the soldiers uniforms to the cleaners to have the "Patches" sewn on. The patch of which I speak is the combat patch. This patch is awarded a soldier serving in a combat zone for a certain period of time. Some soldiers spend there entire careers without even getting one. It seems today that most soldiers will have one before they have ten years of service. There are several patches that can be worn. The Unit patch on the opposite side of the uniform can be worn as a combat patch or the unit to which you are attached to may be worn. One of the "big guys" in our brigade decided to make a rule that everyone knew was not right and could not be enforced. He put it out that no one was allowed to wear any patch other than the unit patch. This made alot of soldiers mad and then did not sew a patch on their uniforms. Some did as we felt as if we were being forced to do so. Don't get me wrong I have utmost respect for the division to which I am assigned but Do not like the fact that this Patch is being shoved down my throatt. I decided that if he did force us to sew this on I would not wear a combat patch at all. Well some one decided to complain and complain big. Next thing you know the order was resinded and now we are authorized to wear whatever patch we want. So I have returned back to the idea that I would sew on 2 and 2 on my 4 sets of uniforms. This shows respect for both units, the one I am assigned to and the one we support. Seems kind of petty as it is just a patch but it seems that the petty things mean so much when you have nothing else to think about.

A day in the life

The sun comes up between 5 and 6 am and goes down around 9 or 10 pm. Long days. I am able to get out of bed in the mornings. I believe this is attributed to the lack of nicotine flows through my veins. The patch does not put near the same amount that my body has become accustom to. I don’t usually go to the office till 0900. This is usually because I do not leave the office till late in the evening. With the time difference that evening is the best time to handle any stateside affairs such as purchases with the Government Credit card. I wish I did not have this but someone has to do it. This morning I was lucky enough to catch my wife on Instant mail. We usually wait till in the evening here but I caught her in the evening there. The time is really confusing. We are 9 hours ahead but if you use Texas time then we are 9 behind. I just add three and change from am to pm or vice versa. After we talked I rode my bike to the chow hall for some of that Good Army Chow made by people who I have noticed don’t eat it. They are refered to as Hodgies (Iraqi people) but most are Indians or Pakistanis. They work for next to nothing but are being paid millions in their eyes. I talked to the man who sews on our patches and he said he did not have a job in his home country. “No work” he said. I asked if he was married and he said “Not yet” with a smile. I think he may have someone in mind. Anyway I think I am rambling. Oh yeah breakfast I had to eat because the ulcers in my mouth have made eating a chore and I get tired of trying before I get full, Plus I am out of coffee and refuse to drink Maxwell House. I guess I should not be picky but something are just not the same as “Folgers in your cup”. After eating about half my food I headed off to the weekly supply meeting. This meeting is where the supply guys get together and gripe about what is going wrong here and how it is next to impossible to account for property. We also share secrets and contacts for “drug deals” to get things that cannot be obtained through the system. IE Near beer fresh meats and extra milk and so on. The mess hall will not give you more than you can carry out so we have made “contacts” to help us. It is mostly a complaint session though. Afterwards I rode back to the office. The office and the house are right next to each other. We have it the best by far. I think I have mentioned before that most have to go outside and use the plastic bathrooms and walk to a shower trailer. We have a complete Hodgie bathroom. Every thing here is strange. The shower is among the strangest. It is a corner of the room with plumbing sticking out of the wall. The strange thing is until us westerners got here there was no shower curtain. I guess they just stood there in the corner and splashed water all over the room. We quickly got something rigged up to fix that problem. After a few minutes in the office I remembered that I forgot to re-dispatch my truck on the day prior. My supply clerk usually handles this but she is headed home for some much needed R and R. So I have to do everything myself and try to remember how to do things that she has been handling since we arrived. I feel lost in my own supply room. I quick trip to the motorpool and redispatch. Takes a little while as the vehicle has to be completely inspected to ensure that it will not fail when it is needed. After that it was lunch time. I managed to eat a little more. I have found something that I really like in the chow hall. It is some hard rolls. I mean hard as a rock. I cut them in half and add lunch meat and cheese a few jalapenos and some black olives and then nuke the whole plate for 35 seconds. This makes the bread soft but only while it is warm. I add a bag of chips that has a bunch of writing that I can’t read. They have Ketchup flavored chips here. They are okay but I would not pay for them. Wash it all down with a Gatoraide. I must admit that I really tried to make this sound good. The main line is where the problems come from but I will tell you about that when I get to the dinner meal. After lunch I was buried in paperwork. I account for 4 different types of property. The totals of this property are in excess of 10 million dollars. I know the exact figure because I was asked to total it up. This property does not leave unless I have a Hand receipt for it. I must know where it all is at all times. You know you have been doing it too long when you can remember serial numbers and locations without looking at your paperwork. The Commander called and said he wanted to go shopping. Having this credit card at times is a benefit. I really needed to make it to the PX because I needed some shaving gel and some bath soap. The benefit is he borrowed an NTV( Toyota Land Cruiser) to get us there. It could have been an Opal for all I care as long as it has air. Remember we are experiencing a cold front. I looked at the temp gage just now an at 7:30 pm it is 106. The high was supposed to be 118 and I am sure we made it. After the shopping trip the CO dropped me off and it was again chow time. I mounted my trusty bike and rode to chow once again. Today was steak night. Usually steak night is on Friday. Okay right now you are picturing a steak a real piece of meat cooked by someone who knows how to prepare a steak. Well riding up to the mess hall on steak night is the only time it will seem real. They cook the steaks on a BBQ pit outside. Still sounds appealing huh? Then they put them in a pot with water in the bottom and carry them in and put them in the oven. This makes these lovely smelling steaks taste like liver by the time they are served. I had fried shrimp which is hard for them to mess up. I ate half the steak and all of the shrimp and again wash it down with a gatoraide. The sodas here taste odd. My soda of choice has not been seen since my return trip. I have seen a Fully leaded Dr Pepper on occasion but the Dt DP is the best. After dinner you guessed it back on the bike and back to the office.

Well in a nutshell that is a day in the life. I censored and left out arguments with people not doing there jobs. Some things are best not shared.

Day 2

Day 2 no nicotene. This really sucks. The patch seems to help with the cravings and attitude but it sticks to my lip and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Haha. Have not started any crap with anyone like the last time I quit. This time though it is finally for good. No more just one smoke or just one pinch. I am through. I don't like to way I look or smell while doing this and food is already begin to taste different. This time is the right time. If I can quit here then I can quit for good.

Reflections

As I see the moon reflect on the water.
I too reflect, yet my reflections are from memory.
I reflect on the love that I have for her. So far away,
I see as the moon shimmers on the water, the brown in her eyes
soft yet strong. In them I see an undying love for me I sometimes
find it hard to believe that she could possible love me as much as I
love her. It just seems impossible. As my eyes adjust to the Darkness my
memories become that much clearer. I am there with her and she is in my arms. Thinking laughing and enjoying the moment all too aware that the moment will end
as quickly as it began. I see her smile, her long black hair and the smell of that familiar perfume in the night air. Missing her, being alone is a circle closing in on me. The blackness comes and goes. It seems to open up when we talk and close in on me until we talk again. As a fish hits the top of the water in the black of night, I watch the ripples carry across the moon as the feeling of alone returns.

Cold Front

Tomorrow we have a cold front rolling through. I decided I should get out my long underwear and my cold weather boots. I have been looking for a while trying to find my beanie hat. I can only hope the difference in temperature does not cause me to get a cold as I do almost every year. I really hate to have to wear all of that cold weather gear. I will probably take the truck tomorrow to chow as I do not want to spend too much time out in the cool air on my bike. Todays temperature was marked at 120 degrees with the thermometers on the base reading upwards of 125. How is it possible for such a change in just a night. I guess that is the desert for you. The news just announced a cold front and that tomorrows temp will be 118. Ha ha got cha.
Cold front heck I am just happy with shade but a cold front would be awesome.... Thank God that we have Air conditioners. Wish I could just stay inside, but then I would not get to enjoy the "Cold Front".

Just some amusement as nothing spectacular has happen in a while.

Withdrawls

As I sit here hands trembling, face pale and body twitching and not able to calm it. I wonder why would I ever do something that would make me feel this way. It was 1988 and I thought I looked cool with a Cigarette in my mouth. These thoughts were replaced by need and then by addiction. I have off and on smoked or dipped for some 17 years now. More than half of my life. Today is the final day. As I sit here head going 900 miles a minute hands twitching so bad that this would be un-intellegable if not for the backspace button and spell check. I QUIT. The ulcers on both sides of my mouth a reminder that what I have been doing to my body is unhealthy and wrong. I have been abusing the temple that God made for me. I QUIT. I sit and read the instructions for the patch and it says that not everyone quits using this system. The 21 mG of Nicotene that are released slowly over a 24 hour period will not give me the same nicotene that is in one Dip of Copenhagen. THis time it will not matter because I quit. This will be the last time I speak of this habit.

ROA Rules of Assistance?

Yesterday my friend the Medic received a call. I am not sure as to where the call came from but it was about some Iraqi children who were injured. My understanding of the incident is that the two children where burned by a pot of boiling water. My friend and another medic went to their aid. They bandaged the burns of these two rather distraunt children. After getting them bandaged he loaded the children up and took them to a Military Hospital. How can this careing guesture be wrong. What happened today was unacceptable. He had to explain why he chose to help these children. "We did not hurt them so why did we help them". Are these children not people. I think of the ramifications of this. If we did not render aid would we have made another enemy here in a country that we are trying to help? Why would it be wrong to help someone in need? I guess this is another case of a caring soldier doing what he thinks is right. I support his decision even if the upper chain does not. He put himself in harms way on the outside of the wall to help injured children. This is worthy of a hero status not a questionable status. God heal these children and heal this country. Let them stand on their own and fight for the freedoms that all Man-kind deserves.

Sounds of Silence

"Hello Darkness my old friend I have come to fear you once again". These are my lyrics to the Simon and Garfunkel song. It seems that nighttime is the time of noises. This afford the bad guys the opportunity to get away. Just by the type of noise heard we know what type of weapon it was and which side it came from. The most deadly of these noises sounds like WaaaWooom. This is the noise of an IED or VBIED. These usually make the hair on the bad of your neck stand up knowing that there are very few of these that completely miss. The whistle followed by an explosion is one to bring fear of soldiers dieing. This is a rocket. Launched out of a neighborhood close by but just out of sight of the tower guards. The rocket streaks through the sky until it impacts its target. This one has taken several lives since we have been here. Last but not least is the cheapest and most frequent the mortar. The mortar makes noise when it leaves the tube and then does not give much warning until it impacts. Most of these however seem to be duds and fall harmlessly to the earth. Problem is you do not know whether it is a dud or not until it hits the ground. This unknown re-trains you at how to go from a standing postition to a position flat on the ground. These just some of the things that our "Neighbors throw over the fence at night". I am glad that they cannot aim.

Old man Running

This morning we had another Physical Training Test. Since my first days in the Military I have set high goals for myself in this area. I have always tried to pass this test at the 19 year old age group.(1988 standards) That means 42 pushups and 52 situps in two minutes and a 2 mile runtime of less than 1554. THis morning I felt age holding me down for the pushups and situps. Another goal that I had set for myself was to not quit until time was called. This is becoming tougher and tougher. As I heard the count on the situps I came to realize that my goal would not be achieved, a combination of no PT for my three weeks that I was home and the authentic enchiladas that I gorged myself on while home, I pulled more with my hands that with the stomach muscles targeted during situps. THis is when I felt it. A sharp pain from the back of my neck down my left side behind my shoulder blade. I managed 47 which at my age is passing but not my standard. Thankfully I had already done the pushups and only had the run to worry about. The pain seemed to subside a bit so I felt good to go. "Ready, set, go," My first 200 yards or so I set off in a dead sprint as I always do. This seems to improve my pace as well as my runtime. I noticed that I had a Lieutenant on my tail and I thought that there is no way I will let him outrun me. At the one mile turn around I noted that he seemed to be gaining on me so I stepped it out a little. Crossing the line at 1556 ahead of the LT or course. I circled and set out to pace my soldier. I noticed at the turn around that she had chosen to run with some one who does not usually do well on the test and something told me that she needed a quicker pace. I was right because when we crossed the line she was 9 seconds from passing. After walking it off a bit I got on my bike and rode home thinking only of more coffee and oatmeal(I love oatmeal). Sitting on the couch in front of the TV I felt the pain begin again. It was not long before holding my head up seemed to be a chore. I decided to go on Sick call and see if they had something to help. Tonight I will take a Muscle relaxer if the pain does not subside. The medic told me that it would make me "Loopy" and that I should wait till bedtime to take it. On my way back I begin to think that if I take this and am completly out of it and someone comes over the wall what would I do. My Mind quickly took me to an Andy Griffith episode when Barney shot himself in the foot. That would be very funny years later but not too funny right now. I guess that my old military body is starting to complain. Hopefully I will not need this pill as I do not take pills of any kind except my vitamins and an occasional aspirin when needed. Only time will tell.

No Sir, Thank You!!!

A Chief Warrant Officer, US Army Intelligence [retired] wrote this. He said that he had read much of my blog with interest, compassion, and understanding and in his case with far too many reminders of his experiences in Vietnam [1970-1971]. This is a quote from him "Your Mom asked about our [my] feelings with your serving in Iraq so honorably for our great country. You are to me a fellow comrade-in-arms, such camaraderie rather difficult for me to try to explain to your Mom. Just know your kin are so proud of you Jay! Thank you for your service! I am looking forward to someday meeting you and your family personally. May God take care of you!”

As I sat and read his message a tear began to form. You see I know what our country did to my "comrades-in-arms" upon their return from this particular war. It should be me telling him that I appreciate his service to OUR country. There is an unexplainable bond between all soldiers or former soldiers. Though many things change in the different generations of soldiers some things remain set in stone. The bond between soldiers is not soon forgotten and in many cases is Never forgotten. This bond is passed from generation to generation without being taught or explained. Sometimes the services seem to have a type of competition between them. You know which service is the best and that kind of thing. For example while on active duty we used to make fun of the long haired overweight National Guardsman but here we are all soldiers. Now being a Guard soldier I understand the differences. The British, the Australians we are all the same here to accomplish one job and will be till it is over. Here it is not who is the best but a combined force of soldiers focused and determined to get it done..

What I really wanted to say by all of this is "Sir don't thank me for what I do, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow up a free country without fear. Thank you for your service to OUR great nation. I salute YOU, and all other Veterans of the Military for without you I could not be Me.

Best Two Weeks of my Life

I received another news paper article from my parents today. My Parents take an article a week from the blog and send it to the news paper in their home town. Todays article made me think about a decision that I made not to put anything about home on the site. I had decided that this was my time but now I am thinking back and think it would be something nice for me to reflect on from time to time.

This was by far the best two weeks of my life. I remember arriving at the gate in Abilene. The excitement made my heart beat so hard that I was afraid that the rest of the people on the plane would hear it. My excitement was almost uncontainable and was definitely uncontrolable. I thanked the flight attendant and the captain and rushed off the plane. I remember seeing my sons first and my smile was so big that it hurt. Then my wife more beautiful than ever. She has been working out and had lost some weight. The hug was a long one that I could have held forever. My parents were there and the greetings were just awesome. I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. In all of the excitement I still remembered to wish my wife a happy birthday.

During my visit home I prayed daily that time would stand still. I did not want the days to end. The first night I fell asleep quite early. I did not want to sleep at all while at home but the three day journey took its toll on me. The first week we did nothing. We stayed together every waking moment in hopes to make up for some of the time lost. Russ graduated from high school the First Friday I was home. This was awesome. I made a promise to him that I would be there for his great achievement before I left knowing that it would not be an easy promise to keep. God was looking out for me and helped make this promise to be kept. After his graduation we went to the water park down by San Antonio. This has been an almost yearly ritual of ours for quite sometime. It was awesome. I came to realize that Todd was growing up. He had been too afraid to ride any of the rides the last time we went but this time he had no fear. We rode almost every ride there. We had to be told to leave as the park closed. During my time in country I had spent little to no money so we I arrived home I went on a spending spree that is not like me. It was well worth the time. Todds birthday was the day before I had to leave so I bought him a bicycle and taught him to ride it. As the days passed for me in Iraq I came to realize that I had not been there for him and spent lots of time with him showing him that I am his father and that I love him. I know he knew this but it seemed as if I did not feel it.
Well that is it in a nutshell. The time at home thankfully did drag by the first week felt like a month. The second week seemed to pass alot quicker but still we managed to celebrate the time together. Upon my return I was asked if there was one thing that people said when I was home that I did not want to hear what was it. I was quick to respond that so many people had asked "when do you leave?" This was something that I did not want to think about and tried to forget that I did have to leave. God watched over my trip home and made it happen on the dates that I wanted to be there. How many other people could say that they were home for two birthdays a graduation and a holiday. I am blessed.

Hodgie wearing Haynes

Well one thing that was nice here was laundry service. You can just put all of your stuff in a bag and turn it in to be washed. It is nice especially in these times with the water shortages. It is our option to inventory all items and list each item or just turn it in bulk. I have always chosen the bulk route as I HAD no reason to not trust these people. I started to notice several weeks back that I was low on my white running socks. I did not bring all the same kind. I brought some mid calf and some ankle socks. Now it seems that I am down to one pair of ankle socks and still have my mid calf socks. I think the folks doing our laundry have taken a liking to my Haynes socks. I as well liked my socks. Now I be there are 7 or 8 hodgies walking around with my socks on. I am quite sure they needed them more than I did but I would have gladly donated or even bought some to give to them so I would know that they would be taken care of without shorting me. Guess I will make my way to the PX and buy some more running socks. I wonder what else they have taken from me through the months I have spent here. Maybe I should start a clothing drive or something.

Sacrifice

As I sit here in the dark I wonder what I would know about sacrifice if I had not joined the military. Would I be one of the numerous people living in a free country protesting the war? Would I take my freedoms for granted as so many people do today? It seems that there are more people protesting in the northern states than in the southern states. Why is that do you suppose? I try to think of the sacrifices that these people could have possible made and cannot come up with any good ones. Sacrifice, giving up something without the desire to do so but in an effort to make something better. My definition. Is this definition defined by my life in the military or my upbringing and life experience? I can only remember a few sacrifices in my life prior to the military. My dad traveled quite a bit and this was a big sacrifice. I think his sacrifice fits my definition. Is this the only major sacrifice I would ever experience had I not enlisted? Now in 11th month of this deployment and our 6 month of being here I know that this sacrifice is one worthy of all that it entails. I have come to the conclusion that this is my life and will be for another 12 years till my retirement. I can handle all that is thrown at me because it has been tough here and if this can be handled then anything can. I sit and wait for the lights to come back on under a water shortage that is still in effect and think what it must be like on the other side of the wall. I am glad that I did not grow up here and that my kids will grow up in a free land governed by someone that WE the people put in office. In the past some bad people have been chosen to some of these offices but today I think that we as a country do a better job selecting who will run our country. Finally lights and back to work.

A gray point of light

Today is indepencence day. The day celebrated by Americans around the world. Red white and blue but today the world is gray. Visibility is about 100 yards then a thick haze limits anything beyond this. The mess hall was decorated in its usual holiday decor. It seems that everyone is enjoying the day except me. It seems that I have slipped back into a deep dark depression this time. With all of the things going on at home it is very hard to concentrate about this place. With all of the things going on here it is hard to think of home. Russ is going to have his stomach scopped on Tuesday to find out why he cannot eat right. The in-laws are sick. My wife is always down and feeling bad when I call. I make my calls upbeat so that it is not known what I am feeling so as not to bring her down to feel as I do. It seems that the "natives" have become restless again. The briliant fireworks of death are starting up again. And for the first time in a while my dreams have once again shifted to death in this country. I know that we are here doing the right thing and I will not shune those duties. It just seems to be like eyes wide open and then they slowly close as things close in around me and now I feel as if I can only see a pinpoint of light through my open eyes. The gray is closing in again and my fears are becoming constant once again. Depression sucks. I used to think it was just a state of mind and that you could just snap out of it. I am sitting here snapping away and nothing is changing. The feelings of hopelessness are multiplied by the day counters. The day counters annouce how many days or months are left on a constant basis making the days drag by slower and slower. Lord Give me strength and get me out of here soon, Make the days pass as there is nothing here that I care to remember when I return. Keep us safe and protect us. Amen

Supply Assistance

Today I spent the entire day teaching the system of supply that I have used for two years to another supply sgt. Upon arrival I checked out his accounting set-up or lack there of. There was paperwork everywhere in this book and that book and copies of everything made in triplicate and then a couple thrown in for good measure. The Supply SGT who handles this is on leave so I was asked to assist by the SGT who is taking care of business while he is away. I could see a little bit of effort that he had put forth to make things right but he just needed a push in the right direction. I have worked and refined my program for two years and I know that if I, like he were, were to have started the month prior to the begining of this adventure I would have looked a far site worse. Some people get dumped into jobs that they have no business doing and yet others just lack the know how to get this done on their own. I do not care for this person but I do not want to see anyone fail so I have volunteered to give of my time to help get things taken care of. It will take some time but I think we together can get him out of this hole.

For Cindy

I received an email a few short minutes ago asking if I was okay. This email was signed by my "concerned second cousin". Well I am okay and sent an email to that affect. I figured I had better not let two days pass without writing something. Nothing really to say other than the feeling of jealousy that I have had since early this morning. It seems that a friend of mine is headed home and he will get to see his family as I have seen mine. What makes me jealous is that he will also see my wife there as well. We attend the same church and he is active in the church. We are two very different people but very much the same in some aspects. We both expect the best out of ourselves and our people. I don't want to say too much as he too reads my site and don't want him to get big headed or anything. haha

Gone in Sixty Seconds/Found in 48 hours

Day before yesterday I go the call. A truck had been stolen. It was of course parked and left unlocked. We know that there is no way that this vehicle could leave the immediate area yet some one had been brave enough to take it from the unit. After the first day missing I began to question whether it would ever be seen again. It seems that the norm in the past was for a soldier to move the vehicle out of sight to teach a lesson but after several hours the soldier would find it or someone would clue him in on what happened to it. Not this time it was gone. Tapes of gate cameras were reviewed and the confirmation that it was stolen made its way back to me. I began my research and prepare for the good bit of paperwork involved in processing a loss of this magnitude. THe total cost was some 37 thousand dollars. The driver of the vehicle could be held accountable for this because it was unlocked.

This morning I went on a supply run. IT was not a scheduled run but I had some paperwork to re-submit at the supply point.(they Lost the originals) As we prepared to leave I told the driver to go straight ahead. I want to check vehicles to see if perhaps I could have any luck turning it up. We checked several on either side of the road but to no avail. As we approached the end of the road and the stop sign I saw it. My first thought was that no doubt that was "My" truck. It was sitting in a parking lot (dirt lot) all by itself. It just looked out of place. As we approached it my wishes came true this was it. I had found the missing truck and hopefully lifted the "bruise" inflicted on the unit by a careless soldier, not to mention saved myself an ocean of paperwork. Today was a good day. Thank you Jesus.

Rambling

Not much to talk about today. It seems that with all of the emails that I recieve on a daily basis that I just don't have too much to talk about. Today was the same as yesterday and so on. Time has stopped fleeting by like it did during the first months. Home is slipping back into the background because I know that dwelling on it will do no good. I have talked about family God and country. I have put my feeling down as good as I could to describe the endless thoughts and fears of being here. Now I just do my job, do nothing when time allows and sleep if possible. Started back on my Physical Training Program again. Got a late start but better late than never. Now as I sit here my old knees are killing me. Not so much that I am old but these knees have been around the world. Running is something I enjoy but only when I do it all the time. At home I ran two or three times a week but here if you don't get up with the sun then it is too hot. Well I think I will call this blog rambling because I think that is what I have done. Tonight (dominos) 42 night. There are only two nights of the week I look forward to Friday dominos and Sunday Nascar. Well I will not be writing for a while till I have something to write about. Please add my in-laws to all prayer lists.

Song

Today's Supply run was uneventful however I did as I drove back put together a song/poem. I am sure the other soldiers thought I was out of my mind as I sang in the truck on the way back. Also might mention that I went by myself so as not to damage the ears of my clerk.(singing not a strong suit of mine). The following is what I wrote. It is not intended to make you cry but as I re-read it I got a little teary eyed myself. Hope you enjoy....

Never Alone
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is that I’m not alone

When I left, I left my family a cryin,
As I walked away they were standin’ all alone
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ and cryin’
Wonder what it’ll be like if I make it home.

What we do here is keep the masses from diein’
In hopes someday they will stand on their own
I’m sure they have thought about diein’
As they stay locked up in their homes.

Today I had to go out on a mission
The thoughts and fears finally come to rest
I saw the bright flash beside me
And felt the metal cut deeply in my chest

I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is I’m not alone

In the empty darkness a beautiful light forms
He says son I know you’ve done your best
The Lord himself was a cryin’
As He took that soldier to his final rest.

In the soldiers last minutes his face seemed to change
His sad face changed to a smile
Because the Lord had called his name
He seemed to have known it for a while.

And the Lord said.
I know you spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I know that I have put you to the test
You have passed it son come live with me
And we will try to pass the rest.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
I’ve spent a lot of time wishin’ to get back home
I’ve spent a lot of time thinkin’ about diein’
The thing that gets me through is I’m not alone

Pipe is half empty

Water water everywhere but not a drop to use.
"To all residents of standing hard buildings water rationing will be a necessity over the next several weeks" is what the email said. Apparently the “bad guys” blew up the water plant last night. This is not the first time this has happened but it is the first since we have been here. Now in order to shower we must go up to the trailers. This is about a ¾ mile trip to shower. The entire post is run on a series of pumps and pipelines that all come from this plant, I guess. Now we have to use the porta-johns. These things are like microwaves in the middle of the day and they are not all that fresh(trying not to give you the whole nasty picture). Just not a pleasant place to visit. All the water in all of the ponds came from the city water supply. Seems like they could find a way to filter it and use it but then this beautiful country would not be as beautiful.(hint: that was sarcasm)I heard tale that after these man made lakes were made that the water supply to the city was turned off to fill them. How can these people live here like that? Is the only reason they are still here because of poverty or are all of the people just that loyal to this country? I wonder if tickets to other countries were handed out how many of these people would leave. I venture a guess and say that this place would turn into a desert oh wait it already is.

EMMA

Have you ever waited so long to say something that you were afraid that it was too late. I have done this. With all that goes on here I have forgotten to call and congratulate Perry and Sheri on the new addition to their family. Emma Christine born on the day I left. She weighed in at just over 8 lbs. They have done it. Finally a little girl. Congratulations and best wishes. New life is such a beautiful gift. I cannot wait to get home to see her. I love ya'll Jay

Pain

Today as I walked back to where I had left my bike I ran into a friend from another company. I really do not know him all that well but we had an occasion had to opportunity to talk. Today his face seemed sad through his fake smile. As we walked and talked he told me that he was soon to return home on leave. He then smiled, half-heartedly, and said when I get there I am getting a divorce. He said that he was okay with everything until she moved in with another man. How could this be happening to soldiers so far from home. I know that he had sat up at night and pondered what he should do. I seem to have this knack for spotting pain and usually through casual subtile comversation manage in my own way to help. I asked him how long he had been married. He told about a year now. This means that he married shortly before this "adventure" began and now, well now what. Hopefully God will reach down and touch him and sooth the aching in his heart. As we said our good-byes and I rode away I thanked God for my family. Please include this soldier in your prayers.

Sit up front

It seems that most people (me included at times) treat God as a back seat driver. He tells us which way to go and what turn will get us where we need to be. Instead of listening to him we find someway to drown him out, radio too loud or just the selective hearing that our society is famous for these days. It never seems to fail that when I get down and out I seem to put him to the back seat and ignore him. The last couple of Sundays I have not been to church. Always an excuse, it's a long drive or I am tired. Fact is we need to move God into the Drivers seat and let him guide us through life. Those occasional wrong turns would be impossible if God was driving our lives. It is just hard to let him handle everything. Let God Drive.

Father's Day 05

Today is Father's day. Just another Sunday. The only difference is that the chow hall served something different. Crab legs shrimp and steak. It was good but it just could not replace a bologna sandwich and home. I sent emails to my Father and my father-n-law wishing them a happy fathers day. Hoping that they will have a better day than mine could ever be. Not being down and I spent lots of time keeping my attitude in check and thinking positive. I don't want to have another sad lonely day as before. Father's Day 06 this will be a day to remember. I will be home God willing.

Half empty no it's frozen

I recieved an email today and it started me thinking about life. The email was from a relative in Austin whom I have never met. In the email she wrote of her neighbor. The following is an excerpt from this email.

He was moving away and leaving a very high-stress job. He had played a big role in his company's success. I said they must be so sorry to lose him and that they would have a very hard time filling his shoes. He said no, it's like pulling your finger out of a glass of water. There's a hole for only a nanosecond, and then it's like you were never there.

My responce to this email was not unlike my responce to life. We are only here for a little while. Unlike the analogy above I would like to think that I will have touched some one in this life that will leave a lasting mark. My adjustment to the analogy is as follows. I compare this to having my finger in a glass of water and freezing the water. It leaves a finger print. This is my fingerprint on society. It will eventually melt away but if I leave a mark it will last a while. Is this Blog my mark on soceity or will my mark be through my children. God creates all people different and in one way or another we all leave that frozen mark on society that in time melts away.

Hot enough to burn eggs on the sidewalk

Temperature is now 119 degrees. How do people stand it. It gets more and more difficult to ride my bike to lunch and dinner. The heat just takes a toll on you. Hot sweaty sticky. The air does not get cooler while riding the bike. Even on a hot Texas day you get some cooling breeze while riding. The temperature here does not change while cutting through the air. It seems that it gets hotter. The air is hot and thick and at times you almost have to work at getting a breath. It feels kind of like when you are sick with a fever and your breath is hot and burns as you breath. I wonder what it is like back home. Is it raining is it cool. The expectation is for the temperatures to reach 130 or 140 degrees. I think I might have to start working nights when this happens so I can get more done. HHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

Roommates

Well finally managed to shake off the feelings of desparation and sadness. It took about a week. Once I finally opened my eyes to see the world here instead of imagining that I was in the world there I started to notice that I had some new roommates. One of which was a Gecko. One afternoon I went to my room to grab my pillow off my bed and there he was. He opened his mouth and stared at me as if to say " you were away for two weeks and this is my pillow now." I scared him away not wanting to harm him because they eat spiders and other things that I do not want as roommates. This morning after my run I took my usual long hot shower and went to my room to change. I was digging in my sock drawer when out of the corner of my eye I saw something move right beside my foot. Upon further investigation that made me jump way back I noted in was a scorpion. It was about the size of a quarter but with his tail laid down he was much longer. I however did not see him with his tail laid down. I think I may have stepped on it with my shower shoes and then moved to reveal one pissed off creature. After talking with the Medics and comparing him to the chart it turns out that it was a not one of the deadly ones that one would worry about. However while in Texas I did see my oldest son get stung by one of these things and let me tell you I do not want anything to do with them dead or alive. This one I assure you died an honorable death at the bottom of a 9 wide combat boot.

Lonely Sadness

Sunday
Since my return on Thursday I have felt slow and non-responsive. I barely manage to get the little tasks at hand done. I kind of feel as if there are two hamsters on the wheel. One fighting to turn the wheel one way while the other fights to turn in the opposite direction. The hamsters I have come to realize represent my emotions of the separation of family all over again and the other the job at hand. I cannot seem to come to grips with the separation this time and it makes me almost wish that I have not ever left here. I keep telling myself that if this was a 6 month deal it would be a lot better than the 18 month total time. I feel as if this would allow for just enough hurt and sadness before all things went back to the way it was prior to leaving. My mind now is split between two “Families” the one I have loved for a long time prior to this ordeal and the one I have grown to appreciate and depend on here. My friends are here but my life is there. I know now what it means when one says that “you complete me”. I am incomplete without family. The depression says to me out loud at times that what we do here does not matter. There is however a little voice deep down inside that tells me that what we do here does matter. The feelings that I have now are much stronger than the ones I had during the days after the first separation. The first separation was filled with unknowns and uncertainties that seemed to almost excite me. This time everything was known. I know where we are going and what we are headed into. This makes the ordeal of separation overwhelm my mind. It was as if my mind was clouded and full of the unknown the first time and this time my open mind is full of depression and sadness. How do I shake it…. This morning I had an attack of heart and mind. I felt like something was missing but that I had no way of doing anything about it. I am trapped inside this body in this place with no way out and seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. God help me. I need to get my mind back in the game

Desert Tan

In flight the mesquite green will turn to ocean blue and then once again to desert tan.
The first leg of our journey took us to Budapest Hungry then on to Kuwait. After 9 hours in the air we were not permitted to get off the plane. Man my butt hurts.
The speaker on the aircraft rings out “welcome to Kuwait” a long moan from all of the GIs on board drowning out most of what the Captain said next. “Ground time in Kuwait is 7:45 (pm) and the temperature in the shade is 105. WE’RE BAACK!!!!!!!!!!

Hot late and tired two day beard growing and we wait. Then go time again. The reality of return growing ever apparent as I get my Flack vest and helmet issued back to me. The air is like a gust of heat that hits you when you open the oven door. Hot and dry. My eyes have turned back to a deep shade of red a combination of lack of sleep and blowing dust.
Ever constant in my thoughts were family Rosario Russ and Todd . We celebrated Todds 8th birthday the day before I left. I paid him lots of attention as Russ is grown and he is now a man.(almost) I realized while I was away the for the first 5 months that I did not pay enough attention to Todd and that in my opinion he had almost grown up without a dad. Not at home alot and when I was I did not listen to him or spend time with him. I hope that God will let me return so I can make up for lost time as much as possible. The tear-filled eyes and sad faces of the recent Good-bye flashed in and out as thoughts of my future loomed before me. I try to think of what I can do to support my family and never spend this much time away again. As I ponder my future I analyze the past wondering am who I am and good enough to be something or some one else. If a career change is in my future would it be one of the biggest mistakes that I would ever make.

First Leg of the Journey back

As the plane started its decent I gazed out the window at the roof tops of the big houses below, most with two stories and swimming pools. I think one day we will have a beautiful home like that knowing full well that this will also take a new career. The Military has begun to pay better under the newest president but is still not a get rich career.
"Welcome to Dallas Fort Worth Airport" the pilot says.
Good-bye I love you echoes though my head as I walk aimlessly through the airport. The good-byes I see here are not tear-filled and sad like what I was feeling. I imagine myself in their shoes leaving on vacation or a business trip, then I wonder what these people would do if they had to walk in my shoes, I mean boots for a day…It seems that people are not obvilivious to what is going on as they stop us to tell us “thanks for your service and sacrifice". The sacrifice is great but “no greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for his fellow man.”
Hurry up and wait. The tall glass windows of the airport yield sights of the world here, as I try to get my mind set back to the world there. The busy airways and the busy highways bring thoughts and sights of exactly what we fight for. Freedom all to often taken for granted. Thankfully not by all. 18 years of service, will I stay?

Time to go already?

Ever had a day that you wished would never end? I spent two whole weeks feeling just like that. I enjoyed my time at home. My wife’s birthday was the day I arrived. My oldest son graduated from High School with honors and my young son’s birthday was the day before I had to return. What a whirlwind of excitement. Best two weeks of my life I must say.
With the dreaded good-bye only hours away I do some busy work to make time pass. Last night I could not sleep so I wrote a bunch of notes to my family and put them all over the house. Most simply said I love you.
Today I go back.
As I sit on the plane with my heart full of pain I promise that I will never do this to them again, knowing full well that this means a change of career. Heart-ache and loneliness in store for all of us, for how long? I am uncertain. I only hope that their pain subsides long before mine does. I do not want them to be miserable. I tell myself that I can handle it in my own way in due time.
A single tear rolls down my face as we pull away from the gate. The promise I made to my wife and children is one that only God himself can fulfill. I will be back.
I am proud to do what it is that I do but it does not mean that the pain of separation hurts any less.
Part II of the adventure begins

Home

After a quick check at the Gate to Abilene we adjust our tickets and make a B Line for the showers. The Admirals Club at the airport has so graciously given us this opportunity. This was almost heavenly in itself.
Boarding Call Flight 3239 to Abilene Finally Home. Mortar, Rocket Small arms fire free home.

Shannon Ireland

We stopped in Shannon Ireland to refuel and get a new group of flight attendants. What a beautiful place. Full of green rolling hills and water. I of course found a coffee shop and had a regular coffee for the low price of 2.30. What a bargain. NOT!!! It was good though. Now at the 50 hour mark of this little excursion. I still have the feeling that we are still not safe. Each time I stand I get this empty feeling like something is missing from my right side. My 9 MM had been there without fail for a couple of months and now I feel incomplete each time I stand. I do however feel this starting to fade a bit but when I do notice it is gone it sets my mind in a panic to figure out where I left it.
9 Hours to Dallas then a short 50 minutes to heaven. Can’t wait but have to….
Red eyed GI’s, Home if only for a little while. As the plane finally touches down on U.S. soil simultaneous applause erupts from the soldiers anticipating the upcoming reunions. Thank God we are back.
The fire Dept at the airport set up two fire trucks on each side of our approach to the terminal and shot water cannons over the plane in a “water salute”. Maybe we are appreciated more than we think.

Call my Name

“Please call my name”, I said it over and over again to myself. All soldiers going on R and R (rest and relaxation) line up in formation. I am sure all of them were thinking the same as I. 1 group 2 groups then I hear my name. Last group departs at 0310 the next day. It figures that I would get this one. The thoughts and feelings of home slowly fad back to the realization that this was still a military operation and like many military operations it fell into the "hurry up and wait" category. As I sit in a wait status I imagine the airport at home. I have been told that people stop and shake your hand and tell you thank you for what you do. This seems awesome but not as awesome as the thought of the bright colors. Multicolored clothes and just the colors of the airport the brilliance of life re-visited if only for a short time. Our flight is called to yet another formation and then I return again to hurry up and wait. Since departure was not for 17 hours we traveled back to the camp. I could not help but feel a sense of depression knowing that I would have to return to this place in 2 short weeks. This dusty tan and at times dark green place had come to haunt me. The roles have reversed and now I feel as if I am separated from my family and that my fellow soldiers were just that, soldiers. After lunch and a few last minute adjustments to my gear we returned back to the airport. I call it an airport but it is nothing more than a bunch of tents and some tall cement barriers for protection. Mortars could be heard earlier in the day and they seemed to be getting started up again. It seems that most Thursdays were like this. Friday being a holy day for the Iraqi people. "Hurry up and wait" you have got to love it.

See Jane Run!!

With the pain comes the pride of knowing that the job you do is appreciated. The people at home know we are here doing what needs to be done. Some do not admit it. I recently recieved the Jane Fonda traitor email. This is the third time in as many years that I have recieved this email. This time it said something about she is up for Woman of the Year or something. Well the following is my opinion. This woman does not deserve to live in the country that I defend. She caused pain and anguise on soldiers who had already suffered enough. I know that we should forgive and forget peoples mistakes but in this case I just do not see the need. If she were to admit the fact that she screwed up and make compensation to the families then maybe I could bring myself to forgive what she did to stain our country. Instead she lives a lifestyle of the rich and famous in a country that she dishonored. When I think of her being woman of the year I think that they must be talking about another country.

True Red white and Blue

Last night I went to see Toby Keith. This man gives up his time he comes here to entertain the troops, and let me tell you he did just that. The place was packed. There was a chance that we would be seen on the CMA awards. This did not matter as just being there was awesome. This man in my book is truly deserving of the Award Entertainer of the Year. This was by far the best hour that I have had since being in country. I sat on a flatbed trailer where all I could see was the top half of this giant of a man. I sang along with his songs. In a combat zone this man sang for us. He put himself in harms way to come here. He and Charlie Daniels are the only singers who have exhibited the True Red White and Blue colors of a US supporter since I have been here.

Freedom Bird

1 AM 20 May Soldiers sleeping on the hard pavement, many of us still awake with the excitement of the upcoming trip home. Red eyed sore butt only 3 more hours to wait.
3 AM I think I am on the next bird but I am unsure. Planes have come and gone all night. In an effort to get back on Texas time I have stayed awake for 22 hours now. Red eyed and heavy feet but I found some coffee; I am good for another couple of hours now.
5 AM Plane finally arrived again no sleep head bobbing. Crap I forgot my ear plugs. So the deafening sound of the military flight will stay with me for hours after the flight.
We arrive in Kuwait load a bus and yet another stop where hurry up and wait comes into play. Then another prayer. “Please call my name” They did this time for the first group it means I get to go home today and will not have to wait until tomorrow. I managed a nap before we headed through customs. Now in another wait status……and then the word comes, the flight is late. Damn it, can’t we just go home? As we stand and sit and stand again a combination of misinformation and sore butts from the metal chairs brings me to smell myself, “shit I stink. I need a shower.. I try to recall my last shower and when I finally do I realize that it was some 37 hours ago. In this heat this is unacceptable. I smell like a goat.
Finally after all of the hurry up and wait we board the “Freedom Bird”. I can’t help but feel like an inmate released from prison and for the first time in a long while seeing the outside. The freedom bird is the first taste of color. The plane was blue and white with a US flag on the side. The hours of wait have finally paid off. Heading home. Day 1 at home already mapped out in my mind.

Already There

How is it possible to be somewhere that you are not? I, am already there.. My mind has been home for a couple of weeks but my body flies out in a few days. I am already there. Can't eat can't sleep can't work all I do is think about home and the joyous reunion that is upcoming. The excitement builds, but the days just stopped. There is a feeling of uneasiness that has come over me in these last few days. It is like the first time you ride a thrill ride. You are scared but excited all at the same time. I feel this. I am excited but scared. Will my kids know me? Will my wife feel as I do like a stranger. Will my dog bite me on the leg? As the journey home begins I have already started to map out the days. Vowing not to sleep for the entire time I am there. I want to spend every bit of time possible with family. I want the days to drag by slowly. I want the two weeks to last a life-time. As I prepare for the long trip I know deep down inside that I am Already there...

Flying Fried Chicken

Yesterday was a tough day. I had a double bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I was not really hungry for lunch so I had a half a piece of pizza and a gator-aide. Come dinner time I was starved and thought that I would go and eat a healthy meal for a change. I rode my bike to chow like I always do, making me even hungrier. I decided on the chicken and some green beans and cabbage. I found a seat and began to eat. I started with the green beans and cabbage as I know that if I do not eat them first I will not eat them. I Picked up the chicken for the first bite and there they were feathers. Still on the damned bird. I was so disgusted that I dropped it on the plate and tossed it all in the trash. How could they have missed this. This morning I was very hungry. I actually had to go to breakfast for the first time in a long while. Usually I make my own oatmeal and coffee and just relax, but have let myself run completely out of oatmeal. 8 days just 8 days and then happiness for a short while and food I am going to gain back half of the 16 pounds that I have lost since the adventure began.................

And the Walls come tumbling down

We had one heck of a storm night before last. The winds whiped and blew over lots of things. We woke in the morning to find the porta-johns(not what we call em)blown over in the middle of the street. Later on in the day we found out that around a 100 foot section of the wall had been blown over. This is the boundary between good and bad. This boundary in most areas is a sturdy structure but in many areas it consists of no more than cinder blocks stacked one on top of the other. No metal and no masonary used to set them in place just stacked. THis is a scary thought. We posted guards on the "hole" and a tank was placed there as extra fortification. Wow I feel safe. I have had dreams of someone knocking on the door late at night and then busting the door in and starting to shoot. I have traded my M4 in for a lighter and smaller 9 mm pistol. I have had thoughts of getting my M4 back and keeping it close at hand at night. They say that the "bad guys" are afraid of the 9 mm more than that of a rifle. I learned to shot the 9 MM while here and have become quite the shooter with it. I sure hope that I never have to put my skill to the test. It is fun shooting paper targets but have no urge to shoot anyone. I will however defend againist anyone who has intentions of doing harm to me, my fellow soldiers or, if found it the situation, friendly Iraqi people. Everyone deserves a chance....